Amber City

Did I trip? Cause I know I fell.

2006-06-20T20:12:00.000-04:00

Did I run? Thought I was walking,
through your inexhaustible game.
The names have changed
but the constelations are still falling.

Forgot about the beautiful things

2006-05-06T00:40:00.000-04:00

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.
I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.
- Tiesto

So I bought this pair of shoes. I loved them. They were pink and black argyle print on these little canvas shoes. I wore them once and someone said they were ugly and I never wore them again.

I started wearing those shoes last month and didn't care who liked them or not. I also started wearing this army hat that I love. I bought custom plates that said "Sabina" because I like that I have this randomly weird nickname at work.

It's weird how I can look at my life and see all these things that I've done or been. But it's a hard realization that I have often lived my life in fear. I fear so many things. I fear that I won't reach the dreams I dare not speak out loud. Fear trying new things. Fear the way I keep people out for the fear of being hurt. Fear is exhausting and I'm really tired.

I have said before that I want to be this fearless person who really would leave this place and everything I ever knew behind and start over somewhere... a fresh start as the person I always thought I really was. But... I can't just scrap me. There's a lot of potential here. Maybe it's impossible for me to see me the way others do.

Ya know that Nike saying "just do it". I gotta start somewhere.

Maybe I'll go to gallery hop tomorrow, pretend Bob is there making me think the world is turned upright.

Pissy is as Pissy Does

2006-05-06T00:24:00.000-04:00

So i'm pissy right now. Can't say why. Did ya ever just need to be kinda mad for a day? Needed to smoke a cigarette and hate the world just for sec?

For me this only happens once in a blue moon. And it's usually not because of any particular thing. I'm a girl so maybe it's PMS.

I want people to ask me what's wrong and when they do, I brush them off. I want to go cry out some frustration. I want to break down in front of someone, but I would never do that.

I'll be good tomorrow. I'll be a rock. I'll laugh and not remember this, but on these nights it's best to put on headphones and a blindfold and just not move until I fall asleep.

Incredible Shrinking Woman

2006-04-28T12:44:00.000-04:00

More and more I am shrinking into myself. It's so odd. Like everyday I'm losing a little bit of myself. I'm barely talking above a whisper. People at work are starting to tell me to speak up every 5 minutes. I don't deny it. It's almost like I want to fade away, and be unseen for a while. Why would I do that? A girl who used to be a storyteller, a brave speaker, a stepper into the fray... hmm.

I would say I'm tired, but I'm not.
I would say I'm getting self-concious, maybe.
I would say I'm lacking inspiration, probably.
I would say I'm sad, but I'm not a sad person.

Driving Away from the Wreck of the Day

2006-04-16T12:34:00.000-04:00

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear view
Love doesn't hurt so I know
I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And maybe I'm not up
for being a victim of love

When all my resistance

will never be distance enough

If this is giving up,
then I'm giving up
Giving up on love

I'm not giving up on love but this is just a good song and I'm on an Anna Nalick kick. I can totally see the situation though. Driving away from that wreck of a date when you had such high hopes. I guess I'm just not able to hope much anymore.

Thing is, I'm not in a love kinda mood. Ain't that a bitch...lol. Guys always come around just when I don't really care right then. Then I get my hopes all up and they do something shitty, or one month in they become a whole nother person.

It seems so wrong. The girls at work get into these discussions about things they've done to boyfriends like cheat, lie, put him down, or other various and assorted malicous things... I would never do any of that. In most cases I never would stand up for men just because they're men (call it the feminist in me...lol.) But it pisses me off to no end when I see some girl being a brat, ordering him around, calling him names, snapping at him, being short with him... and then blaming it all on PMS. But these are the girls the guys want. These girls have it. They know what boys like, they know what guys want. And boys want them.

Recently I've realized I'm just not able to settle. I'm just not willing to be mean/grouchy/rude just to keep them interested. But as a person who studied social behavior it is absolutely true that this is what boys want. So maybe I should be looking for a man not a boy. Maybe it's not right but I have actually tested this theory. While dating some guy one night he seemed kinda bored (but he was a kinda boring guy) so I threw a little fit like I got frustrated over something, and I swear to god, all the sudden he was like talking to me, asking questions, trying to make a mends for doing nothing wrong. HOW FREAKING BIZARRE. Even trying this little experiment made me feel like a shitty person.

In any event, I cannot and will not make myself in to that girl. Therefore I think I will just begin to have loose sex, and never call them again...lol.

Just a lesson to the girls out there. Learn early not to be nice to them in order to keep them interested.

Pink was recently on Oprah for a show that I will just call the theme "Stupid Girls". It was such a good show. Basically they talked about how stupid is suddenly sexy. Pink's new video made fun of every single blonde socialite around, Paris, Lohan, Jessica, Spears. At one point Pink said she had asked everyone she knew to name 5 smart celebrity women. They said 1) Reese Witherspoon (a person fav of mine), 2) Angolina Jolie, 3) Natalie Portman, 4) Umm umm... Now name just celebrity women in general and you could name hundreds.

Then they did a whole segment with young girls who spent the majority of thier free time working on make-up skills, and buying expensive clothing on daddy's credit card. The magazine's they read were strictly about envying Paris for wearing the newest designer's fashions. And Pink's comment made the most sense, it was something like "every moment you spend trying to be like, look like, act like, talk like somebody else is a moment you lost on being you." When everyone you know is trying to be the same person, how do you get to be the leader of the pack anyway? Everything you do to become someone else, means you're removing a piece of yourself and it's not worth it. Take away all those little pieces and eventually you don't know who the hell you are.

Again it's all that regular feminist propaganda... but what really is wrong with that? Why is it dumb or laughable that we should ask more of our young women? Why is it inconcievable that anyone under age 30 would recognize the signifigance of Hillary running for President? Pink said she personally needs more role models. Pink and I are he same age, and I feel like I'm 12 compared to her, but I need more role models as well. Men need to see smart women too because the point is that smart and sexy are not oil and water. A sexy woman who is also smart should be the ultimate package.

Which brings me back to my original reason for this entry, men. Pink (as if I haven't praised her enough) said one thing that hit me more than any other, and it was more about men than women. She said her husband, until dating her, had only dated those nitwit blonde girls who required nothing of him but to be his arm candy and adore her. (or something like that) But she said that when he started dating her he was confused like "I have to converse with you about important things, and you give me books, and then we have to talk about feelings like adults". But after he kept dating her he realized this was the reason who couldn't make it work with anyone else, because he needed someone smarter. He was bored. So I'll leave you with the last thing Pink said and my hopes that it's true "The men are bored with dumb women too".

Try to Bring More, More Than I Can Handle

2006-03-14T19:52:00.000-05:00

World's On Fire

The worlds on fire
It's more then I can handle
I'll tap into the water
try and bring my share
Try to bring more,
more then I can handle
Bring it to the table
Bring what I am able
Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen
amongst the living and the dying
And I'll try to hold it in
Yeah I'll try to hold it in
I watch the heavens
but I find no calling
Something I can do
to change what's coming
Stay close to me
while the sky is falling
I dont wanna be left alone
dont wanna be alone
Hearts break
Hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash
Planes crash
Still there's talk of saving souls
Still the cold is closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line
on this short run
The more we take
the less we become
The fortune of one man
means less for some
*****
Sarah McLachlan

I remember when I recieved my first voting ballot in the mail. I had been a freshman for all of 2 months at ONU, and I honestly didn't know what Democrat or Republican meant. It wasn't something my family talked about. I don't even remember how I had registered to vote. I don't even remember if I voted for Bush or not.

I can't be ashamed of ignorance. I never knew... I was never told these things. I spent my high school years worried about boys, dancing, and being squad leader. Politics weren't cool, infact not an issue at all, ever.

Now I see myself, with all my opinions, and all I want to do. All I want to change, all I want to be. I'm just this powerless bleeding heart liberal. But I "tap into the water" of knowledge, and I "bring what I am able". "I try to bring more, but it's more than I can handle".
I know many people don't want to hear about it. They have thier own problems. But every once in a while you catch one.

This Sarah McLachlan song and video was brought to my attention by Jen at work. I hadn't seen it but as she told me about it, I could see it had changed her. Made her think, and feel. It made her angry and sad... and whenever something like that happens I can't help but feel like I am less alone.

Caring about people I've never met in the Sudan is a lonely feeling. Most people don't care, don't want to hear. I wear the stigma of having my heart on my sleeve and a liberal agenda. I hear myself made fun of... made fucking fun of, because I care about the poor, and the sick. I am so angry and so tired of hearing it. So tired of being the minority in this supposedly christian society where people outright call themselves moral and then bash the next person who walks by and makes jokes about people who have less than they..

What kind of twisted world is this where people who believe in the teachings of Jesus are the ones pushing the agenda to bomb innocents, torture prisoners, ignore the hungry, and turn thier backs on thier neighbors who are sick or destitute. "There's talk of saving souls... still the cold is closing in on us"

What kind of fucking nation is this I live in? There are two parties. Two sides, and absolutely no others. Two ways to think, only two. You pick your side, and then must make your second choice the enemy. In most cases we do not stand firmly on one side, the other side is merely our second choice, but alas. You pick a side, and make the other your enemy.

If you are liberal then you must agree that abortion is ok. If you are republican then you must agree that war is ok.

If you vote for a democrat he will stop tax cuts for the rich, but he would never send a poor kid to prep school for free.

If you vote for a republican he'll stop gays from marrying, but he also wouldn't give you free surgery if your life depended on it.

Everything is corrupt. Everything is upside down. Our Commander in Chief has bankrupted more private companies than any businessman in US history, and now he is in charge of our finaces. He with the approval our of our senate (Democrats and Republicans) spend 1 billion dollars A DAY in Iraq. But they have patted themselves on the back for giving Africa 1.5 billion dollars to stretch over 5 YEARS.

Under this Presidency, this regime, twice as many US citizens have moved into the ranks of "Billionaire", while twice as many middle class have fallen into the ranks of "working poor". Tell me that's not a direct correlation.

But I will "do what I am able". I will keep talking about it all. I will let people put me down and call me names on national news, and to my face. I will just "try to bring more, more than I can handle" at times, until forever. Whether this country changes for the better, or pitfalls into our own greed, and fake morals.

Sarah McLachlan is another liberal elite Hollywood political that will be bashed. Does no one really see why Hollywood is Liberal? Seriously? These people were not born with silver spoons in their mouths. They are the same as streeters, and starving artists, except they caught a break. But for one turn in the road they could have been a bum, or a tired worker with no insurance. Many have seen the world outside of US borders and they come back, and use thier platform to tell a story.

Sarah's video would normally cost 150,000 dollars to make.. but she made it for $15. Throughout the video they tell a story of the lives $150,000 can save in the world. After watching it, I hope you ask yourself, as I did... What does our 1 billion a day in Iraq buy? Does it really buy freedom for us, or freedom for them?

How much could 1 billion dollars a day buy if we were rebuilding and restoring, not conquering and destroying?

Independant Spirit v Oscar

2006-03-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

Ok so i watched the Oscars because I love Jon Stewart, and the show was ok, but I fast forwarded alot. Well done Stewart.

And also well done George Clooney who gave a non-boring speech. Instead of rattling of names no one knows he said thanks and talked about how yes Hollywood seems like outer space compared to many Americans lives. They are called liberal elitists ect ect. But Clooney said he was proud to be part of a community that gave an oscar to a black man before segregation ended... and a community that uses it's money and pull to talk about environment and poverty when the goverment won't. GO GEORGE.

Also well done Reese Witherspoon. Her speech included the boring names but I love her. She always praises strong women, and shows wha an awesome person she is in general. She was humble and said she learned alot from June Carter who when people used to ask ho she was would say "I'm just tryin to matter". And that says it all to me.

Well now after that I watched the tivo'd Independant Spirit Awards. Usually reserved for indie films no one sees. But surprisingly there again was Geoge Clooney and that Desperate Housewives lady, and the cast of Brokeback Mountain. Hmmm...

Thats right. Finally Hollywood has become so commercial that mainstream audiences and Actors/Directors/DP's/Screenwriters are all shifting towards movies that cost nothing but say more in 10 minutes than King Kong said in 2 hours. Yay yay yay

Now we just need to convince the Lennox AMC to play these movies that mean something as opposed to Big Momma's House 2, and anything Steve Martin and/or Ben Afleck.

Last hug and Kiss

2006-03-03T13:29:00.000-05:00

On Sunday February 26th we buried my grandfather. He wasn't my blood grandfather but he was the only one I had ever known.

I remember when I was a flower girl at age 4 when he married my grandmother. I remember he always bated my hook for 6 summers in a row when my brother and I went to the riverhouse with them. I remember he let me hammer my own nails when we helped him build a deck onto thier back porch. I remember how upset her got when I was 12 and asked him if he had ever killed anyone in the wars. I remember he loved all kinds of hats... fishing hats, berets, and even fadoras.

But it is my last memories of him that both huants me and makes me feel the most loved. We took my new sportage to the funeral and as we were driving from the funeral home to the burial, with those purple flags, and 18 cars in procession... it was a cold winter day, but on that drive the sun streamed hot through the drivers side of the car. By the time we reached cememtary my cheek felt almost sun-burnt and for some reason I felt so happy about it. As if he had given me one last kiss goodbye, and made me want to remember it...lol.

I have never really had someone I love die, so maybe it's normal to dream of them. But I never dream of my family members honestly. Monday night at about 6am I started to stir awake and I remember feeling very warm, not hot, but warm like someone was hugging me. Noramlly I would wake right up, kinda mad and opena window to cool off. But I started to roll off the bed and suddenly saw my grandfather face next to mine, as if hugging me goodbye.

You'd think this would be sweet but I was scared shitless. I've never had a feeling like that. It was just very real. I'm a logical person. I think in numbers and concepts, so the thought that I had just had a ghost-whisperer experience was an immediate write off to a caffiene induced dream-fit... But I couldn't. I just knew somehow that it felt real. Then I felt bad that I offended my grandpa, but I'm sure he understands...lol.

Screens and Things

2006-03-01T20:28:00.000-05:00

ok got the new computer, might be too much machine for me, we'll see. However a friend of mine started talking about using it to digitally edit video. And I started to remember how much I loved making those videos in high school and writing screenplays. I'm really busy right now, but it's something to think about, right.

Soo So Tall-Short

2006-02-22T14:45:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I tower in height above others. It's odd how I feel taller on days when someone has complimented my hair or my outfit.

I am quickly remembering the effect self-esteem has on perception of damn near everything. Including other people, your envirement, your status as a person in the world. You could be poor as po' can get, but if you feel pretty or smart it can somehow make life seem... ok. Like you have an option.

Ok so I did the thing that no one should ever really do. I was going through old pictures, helping my mom get organized for her new scarpbooking venture and I found this picture of me as a freshman in high school. Couldn't have been more than 5'6" and 125-130. I agreed with myself that that was probably the prettiest I'd ever looked. Even with the braces. I was all kinda awkward and geeky but there was this like prettiness-potential there. Kinda the way I see my cousin right now. We have the same weird nose and she is really skinny and tall. (yes 5'6" was tall for my genreation, but she is 5'9"). I remember my freshman year I went on a band-trip to florida. It was awful, all my girlfriends turned on me, and there was a group of boys, 2 years older who I realized later had fought over me. Then the pictures of the next year, suddenly I looked different. I had met Julie and we were hanging out. I gained a little weight, got bangs, and our new flag/dance uniforms just weren't as flattering to my body type.

I don't know, I guess it went downhill from there in the timeline. There was a brief stint of pretty my senior year.

I guess what I'm saying is... I never lived up to my potential. I hate that thought. Like I failed. I guess the good thing is that there is time. 24 is not dead. It's not 21 anymore but I can be that girl again, and find my confidence again. I'll figure it out I guess.

Someone in Taiwan Loves You

2006-02-21T12:10:00.000-05:00

I got a package from Bob today and it couldn't have come at a better time. I can't remember the last time I really really cried before last night. Mondays at work used to be the best days because everyone is required to work mondays, and it's always busy and kinda fun. Since my desk got moved I am still right next to everyone but simply because my back is turned to them I'm starting to miss all the jokes.

I guess I go through these phases where I feel left out and forgotten. Somehow I think it's worse than being outright made fun of, or outright hated. This in between where no one dislikes you, but no one remembers who you are either. The girl that when you're making the list of people to call friday night, may just be forgotten till the last minute.

The worst part is that I have been causing the pull-away from my friends outside of work. Bob is away and Cara is busy, but with Julie... she got a boyfriend. Noramlly she would pull away from me, but this time she really tried to make time for me and I didn't even realize I was poo-pooing on her attempts. I'm sure it is some mixture of envying love, and not knowing how to talk about love because I have never let myself go there, always assuming it leads to disallusion or pain, or breakdowns in other areas of life. But Julie and I are patching up the hole I created over the past weeks and months.

However, nothing changes the fact that for some reason, I don't want anyone close to me right now. Maybe it's a self-protection because I know I am far more vulnerable lately than I normally allow myself to be. I don't think there is any reason for it... it just is.

My point was I cried last night to Julie and Mom about suddenly being forgotten at work. Cried that I don't let men get past the first date when they are sometimes really awesome. Cried because I'm just a plain-ole-girl, as I've been prone to calling myself lately, and therefore maybe 1 in 10 teachers remembered my name (the others called me Amy, Amanda, or Andrea). I'm worried that every guy I dated was taking me as a runner up, and sometimes it was the truth.

The worst part of feeling all these things is that it's my fault. No one will have confidence in me if I don't. No one will love me if I constantly give them reasons not to (in most cases spoken out loud kinda reasons). I will continue to be over-sensetive until I start to not care what others think of me. This will take work to get back to that point but I will force it.

Anyhoo the best best thing at the best best time was bob's package. He just said to me excatly what I needed to hear. I needed to know that someone like Bob, who has a million friends now worldwide, considers me to be one of the most important in his life. I felt remembered, and appreciated, and just felt better. Besides his letter, he sent authentic chinese fans for some people that he wants me to distribute, as well as some very elaborately made candy. And dunt-da-na-nah a foot tall porcelein Geisha doll for me, which probably set him back a pretty penny. I cried some more...lol.

I had dinner with Julie tonight and it felt like back to normal just chatting about every little thing. So things are getting back on track.

Angel for the day: Bob & Julie.

Today is where your book begins.

2006-02-11T19:41:00.000-05:00

Today I own a car I love. Seems like such a small feat, but for me it is the biggest symbol that I am making my life propel above my station. It feels bigger than my college degree for some reason. Maybe because no one in my family has ever owned a new car, and it seems my new car, driven by 24 year old me, is the best or second best in the family right now. I guess that could sound really mean. I mean to say that this, above the degree, is tangible. It proves that I'm gonna do better. It's the first step in making my life different. It's the first one that proves to me I am able to do better.

Anyway the story. After I crashed that crappy ford into a wall, I immediatly said I would never get in that car again... and that day I started looking at internet car sites with Jen-Baker at work. I had been rattled and she listened to me cry and shake. Well I found alot of acceptable ones but only 1 I really liked. A Kia Sportage.

Mom drove me home that night and the next day she went with me to several lots. Somehow we ended up at Buyer's Downtown where the sportage was.

The sales guy immediatly insisted on doing a credit check, thats fine but rude. I shouldn't have acted so surprised, but I was that I had an awesome credit score. I mean damn, I live at home so if I wasn't paying my bills that would be sad...lol.

So after that and some looking around they offered me a 24hr test drive. I was supposed to go to a hockey game that night but knew I needed to have a car guy check out the thing. So I swung by Julie's parents house so her dad could give it a quick once over. It seems small, but when I got there her fam was getting ready to leave for the game without me... when I pulled up into the driveway I just remember Sandy smiling really big at me like she was just really happy for me. Cheryl was smiling too in approval. And Rick walked around my car kinda kicking the tires, pointing out a few things to check, and giving me an idea of an acceptable price. It just really made me happy. The Hodge's have been my second family, and they knew about all my car woes. Rick had even checked my oil and refilled the transmission fluid a few times.

I drove the kia to my cousins where he checked every nook and cranny, including the 4 wheel drive.

Bought the car for 1500 less than asking and now I'm happy

I am unwritten,
can't read my mind,
I'm undefined
'm just beginning,
the pen's in my hand,
ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

death by poverty

2006-02-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to be dramatic... but my breaks went out today

Last week i let mom barrow my car to go grocery shopping and when she came back home she parked in our driveway on an incline. My car does not like inclines. Since then my breaks suddenly are either absolute stop or absolute go. There is no pressure to the brake when you press down, you just hit floor. I filled the car with brake fluid thanks to 2 of my favorite co-workers. Diedre called her dad and helped me find where to put the fluid in, and Jen took me to the BP after work to find the fluid and waited for me to pour it in.

Anyway today i got in my car and left for work. Honestly it had been a week and I was just getting used to be scared shitless every time I came to a stop light. But today I was pulling into work, missed the first entrance to employee parking, fishtailed into the second one, found the first open space and slammed the car into a brick wall to stop it.

The Year of Concious Clashing

2006-01-18T19:45:00.000-05:00

On New Years Day I felt the need to write this journal about a theme I've noticed in recent days. It started with the movie Crash. An amazing movie based in LA and with the premises that people there drive everywhere. It's not like New York where people are constantly standing near each other in packed subways and street corners. In LA there is a constant wall of glass and metal sheilding people from each other. So sometimes, just maybe, they crash into each other just to feel connected in a disconnected world.

I believe last year was about occurances, happenstance. Hurricanes upon hurricanes, soldiers fighting and dieing for ambigous reasons. It was as if the whole world just stood there dumbfounded and took the lashing. Either not having the balls to react, or simply not knowing how to react. Yes, people gave money and sent help to New Orleans but we forget so quickly, don't we? Bush continued to fuck up everything he touched and I'll admit it, I too was just too defeated and tired to fight back anymore. It was a year of horrible horrible movies that we paid to see just because we needed something to do. A year of astounding personal debt, national debt, and over-relyance on international dept.

I think the coming year is gonna be about conflict. In all it's glory, and on all levels, we will finally hit a breaking point and begin to clash. By clash I don't mean break down underneath the pressure, I mean clashing to rebuild, clashing to regain our footing. Maybe even clashing with each other just to feel we are still alive.

Someone once said that the difference between people from the south and people from the north is simply in manners. In the south people are sugar-sweet nice to everyone they meet, and they have strict guidelines of what constitutes southern hospitality and charm, however they would stab thier best friend in the back, talk ugly about every race except thier own, and thier true loyalty is to number one. Us yankees in the north are known for our tough exteriors and our upturned noses, ignoring strangers and rudely using sarcasm, but at heart we are accepting of differences, and loyal to a fault. I'm just saying I'd rather be a yankee city dweller. This is a cultural clash that I believe will happen. I believe it must happen.

I'm hoping, please god I'm hoping there will be a clash of music. On the underground there is a thing called a Mash-Up. Kids with not-even-high-tech computers are mixing old music with new. Like a popular one that mashes Sweet Home Alabama and Nelly's Country Grammer. And my fav so far is Green Day's Boulevard mashed with Oasis Wonderwall. I have always believed music since the early nineties has been stale, uninventive, and our pop stars are literally retarding the growth that was made during the previous 4 decades. Britney Spears is not the new Madonna, she is just a white-trash mama who looked pretty and lip-synced a bunch of songs that the radio told us to love. Wouldn't it be awesome if a new breed of nobody-techie-kid became the newest thing on the radio? I should say though that I adore all the adult alternative-ish music of Grey's Anatomy. All of it full of angst and fake optimism that I can only compare to the music of the very early nineties when the last President Bush had control and the whole place was a shit-hole.

I am over my bitterness towards a goverment that stopped all funding of my field of research. They've done things by now that are much less forgivable than removing research projects on inner city kids and violence. But at this rate of tuition increase and funding decrease, a college degree for many is absolutely becoming impossible. Bush speaks of making our kids more inclined toward math and science but the kids who made it thru 12 years of school and went to college to become scientists and mathematicians... he turns his back on them. I for one finsihed just in time. Another 6 months and I would ahve given up on getting the degree. Because of my loan payments, I'm living at home. In the end, going to college now means giving up a future as opposed to getting a head start. I don't regret it, but many do.

I find this to be the scariest clash on the horizon. Not even on the horizon, it's here. Three gigantic religions all branching from the streets of 1 single area. Muslim, Christian and Jewish leaders and fallowers are becoming increasingly seperated from the others. They are no longr making friendships but establishing crusades against one another. Waht's the most amazing to me is that all believe they are correct, which means at least 2 giant sects of people are wrong, and killing and dying for a belief that is wrong. Personally I think all religions are wrong, and all religions are right. But I'm a wierdo. I realize that christians are the majority is America, and as much as I feel church was forced on me personally, I now feel it's being state sanctioned that we all be morally in line with one church. It's scary people.... I'm just saying this cannot lead to the good that people are expecting it to.

Renogade Renovation

2005-12-30T14:27:00.000-05:00

So I'm a freak and I think you all know anyway but I get a little more freakish whenever I get it in ym head to change my setting. Since I was like 10 I get it in my head that I must redo my room b/c I'm tired of it. Even when I lived on campus, I insisted on redecorating my room when I switched into the bigger room. The thing is, I don't suck at it. Infact I'm am kinda ok. I think I might post some pictures and let you decide.

Anyway my lastest was inspired by non other than the insanely over-priced, and over-copied, pottery barn. It was a room with all white shelving and a long white wrap-around desk....

Little-Red & Her Nutcracker Doll

2005-12-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

While at the Nutcracker last night a rag-tag hippie-ish kinda guy walked in shortly after we had been seated. he looked so out of place. I mean some people show up in ball gowns to this stuff, and this guy was wearing tattered work-pants and a pink long sleeve shirt that I'm sure was once red and got washed too many times. He was holding the hand of his cute red-headed daughter whom you could tell had been dressed by a man. She had a cute little plaid dress on, but her tights didn't match and her hair was everywhere...lol. (So cute). At first we noticed he brought a stuffed toy snake, which was odd because it was a boy toy, but also odd because that means he's worried his kid is gonna get restless so he came prepared.

But the dad and lil girl were both very polite and gentle as they squeezed past the other's seated in thier row. I remember that the the man lead little-red to a seat next to a properly (if not distinguishly) dressed little boy. The little boy looked down his nose at lil-red as if she might be the rowdy type and ruin his experience. The little boy had perfect posture and stared at the girl as she gingerly climbed into the seat next to him. They looked at each other, and he turned away kinda looking like he decided she was ok.

At intermission we charged to the bathroom and were back in our seats before dad and little-red returned. The girl held her daddies hand with her left and in her right she held a brand new nutcracker doll. She didn't look up once, but just stared at her very own nutcracker. Now I bet that doll was at least 15 bucks, and I just thought, I can't imagine what this dad had to do to take his little girl out. Did he have to work overtime to get the tickets? And the biggest question was Where is the mom?

After the show, Julie and I were waiting for the mommies at the front entrance (they were sitting on the balcony together). Then we saw the dad and lil-red walk by. The dad was making sure the girl was bundled up. I mean there were kids there with fur coats on, and this little girl had a court-jester like pink hat, and a striped blue and green scarf. Mismatched as all get out. And I remember me and Julie saying ahh so cute... and then both of us saying "Where's the mom?" and thinking the worst. But we agreed to believe the mom was a horrible woman, and the dad devorced her and he and lil-red were living happily ever after.

During the nutcracker I remember having a bad feeling when in the opening act, they had the little boys dance with the moms, and the little girls dance with the dads.

Then work today I had a guy call in and he turned away from the phone to say to his daughter "honey, why aren't you practicing your songs? You sing so well" and then I heard this little girl start singing "Noel noel".

I'm not belly-achin. I know you can't miss something you never had... but I think that you can want something you never had.

Furthermore, I know that the holidays are full of merriment, goodwill, and cheer. All of which can be faked for a month at least. But especially this month of the year I feel alot of things I don't feel in March or July or October.

He Man Woman Haters

2005-12-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to the Nutcracker, finally after 7 years trying to see it with Julie we got to go. And because I won 2 extra tickets at work, the mommies got to go too.

We had a good dinner although I almost had a firey political moment. Every January at Time Warner they do thier rounds of reviews and raises. I found out basically that call center reps are only eligible for a 5% raise or like 50 cents. However technicians can get up to annual 5,000 raises per year (25%). A technician who speaks Spanish gets 2 dollars more an hour while a call center rep who does only gets a $1. Everytime a technician recieves more training on new equipment they get a raise. When reps get trained on new equipment we get absolutely nothing. I was saying all this at dinner and the mommies were shaking thier heads and cutting me off and saying "Duh, you just sit there. Those techs have to go out in the cold". "The techs are specially trained".

I started getting so fucking mad. I'm not saying thier aren't valid points to thier arguments but it does come down to women's jobs versus men's jobs. How about the fact that techs don't ever work nights. They never work holidays. And I know for a fact that some of them could not do our jobs. If a tech shows up at a house where someone is yelling, they are allowed to leave and they won't be questioned. Our job is to get yelled at. I have lots of techs that are friends, I completly respect them and think they deserve those raises... but we deserve something too.

Anyway I was fuming at dinner, looking at these women. Our mothers. They just stayed content to always be second class, never question why men were better. Always believing men were better. I am soooo sick of this atmosphere.

All these women my age working 2 jobs, finishing college, and yet we are starting at $10 an hour and interviewing 3 times a week for other jobs. While men, because they are men who can lift heavy things, are starting at $10 an hour when they have no high school degree, and a criminal record (I have many examples).

Ok now excuse my bitterness... it is my fault, it is all women's fault because we just bitch and don't change it, or we just accept it because the work seems too hard. If I want things to change then I better get cracking and change them.

A Million Ways To Be Cool

2005-12-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let all of you know about a music video that is sweeping a small crowd of cool kids, and I wanted all of you to be in on the ground floor. So, for the peeps who get Music On Demand (our channel 1122) then play "Ok Go - A Million Ways".

One night while we had zero calls on hold and too much free time, Jen-ay showed a few of us a video she found where 4 guys in a band choreographed an actual dance to thier song and then performed it in thier backyard. It is hilarious in a Napoleon kinda way. Just watch it. I nearly pee'd my pants.

So in our call center we have about 20 huge screens all over and usually they have scrolling messages like "make sure to promote HBO", or the weather channel if there is a storm. Which is fun because it makes me think I'm a meteorologist....but not. Well sometimes after-hours we watch Grey's Anatomy or CSI. If there is ever a football game or wresting event they make us watch those.

So there is this controler tv in the front of the office right smack between all the supervisors, (probably placed there because of brats like us). So the catch is that whatever is playing on the controler tv is what is seen on ALL the tv's in the office. So when Jen showed us that video, every tv was playing it and everyone who happened to glance at up would have seen 4 middle-aged guys in shaggy haircuts prancing around with jazz-hands...lol.

And I had this brilliant idea for a game. I told my friends, lets see who can sneak up to the controller tv and play the "Ok-Go" video the most times before the techie guys bitch that we turned off whatever stupid wrestling event was on, or till the supervisor realizes it's the same 3 of us who keep play-play-playing it. So I played it 3 times, D-dra and Jen-ay only played it twice... heck yes I'm cool. But props to us all for never getting caught.

Right now I'm at ICOMS training with 6 other people. We took a break earlier and slowly everyone left the room. My keen criminologist eye knows exactly where myself and the other 6 people were located when the door slammed shut and locked us all out but I'm not gonna turn in the person who forgot to prop the door open. Anyhoo we all ended up sitting in the training tech lounge with the big screen tv for an hour waiting for someone to unlock our classroom door. Perfect oppurtunity to play that video... but these who's down in whooville weren't annoyed. Infact they were laughing and wanted to play it again.

Local Woman Spends Night Out in Stillettos, Falls Down

2005-12-15T18:49:00.000-05:00

Local woman Diedre Richards, was at a bar LATE Wednesday night where she and several friends were singing amatuear renditions of classic rock songs including "Shoop Shoop (It's in his kiss)", "Fallow You Down", and "Love Shack". Richards was seen arriving at the VIP Lounge in Columbus around 11:47pm with two co-workers (Sabina & Angelina), where she began to drink heavily upon arrival.

Approximtely 1 hour later, after an older gentleman had stroked her hair and kissed her hand, she was reported to have said "Eww". This "dirty old man" also allegedly tried to kiss Angelina, but she claimed to have turned her head abbruptly which left the kiss planted on the back of her head. The unnamed man further offered to buy the girls a round of drinks, and they said thank you in an effort to get him to leave. (They did not order drinks on his tab).

By 1:30am she was tipsy, and although wearing high stilletto heels, she was able to perform the electric slide-like dance to the song "Strokin". Almost immedietly after this song ended Richards returned to her bar stool located near the kareoke DJ's sound board. Once seated she hooked her stilletto heels into the bottom rung of the bar stool. In an unexpected loss of equilibrium, Richards leaned forward, and lost her balance. She tried to step off the stool but realized that her feet were immobile due to her heels being tucked onto the bar stool rung. She tumbled forward coming within mere inches of the expensive sound board equipment, landing forward on her left hand and right knee.

Although this sudden scene was unexpectedly hilarious, Richards co-workers and friends were said to have fought courageoulsy not to immeditaly laugh until they could see Richards was not injured. Upon knowing she had suffered nothing more than a few abrasions and one contusion they all laughed hardily.

Sabina, a co-worker and friend of Richards witnessed the incident and exclaimed "I'm so surprised. That bitch has been drinking and wearing high heels for years and never fell down before." Upon hearing that Richards had "bit it" Mama Barb, another co-worker slapped Sabina "upside" the head for allowing Richards to fall.

After a good night's sleep Richards has returned to work and is expected to make a full recovery.

Oh Good God Love

2005-12-12T20:07:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna be mean but inside I'm screaming. I'm in training for a new computer system at work and this is taking forever just to explain how to fill in blanks. I realize there is a wide range of ages in this class, and most of us are college educated but only 1/3 of us are computer savvy. Geezey get me out of here. This is going soo slow... All I can think about is all the lists I wanna make... christmas gifts to buy, errands, work schedules, holiday party stuff, things to put in bob's package to Taiwan. All I wanna do is use the awesome workout room that is here at the training facility. Dublin rd used to have one until the great flood of 2004, now the lower level is off limits. Anyway I'm gonna pretend to pay attention now cause people are eyeing my typing so fast considering most of the new system is point and click. Lata, misfits toys.

Bad Gift Givers

2005-12-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

Ok this is short but I just wanted to know, who decided women liked Bath and Body Works products? Honestly, sometimes women use these products but not often, and I have not heard any woman say lately "I'd really like a Bath and Body gift set packaged inside a basket, that comes with a matching tote bag"... It's cause no woman has said that. Men please don't buy these for your women (be they girlfriends, moms, friends, whatever). I don't know who started this rumor that we all love it, but they lied.

It isn't that these products are cheap or anything, its just that recieving them denotes that somebody didn't put any thought into your gift.

Now exceptions to this are... if the gift giver knows you love a certain scent and gets that or acertain product. I for one love this new lime cocoa butter stuff.

If you give this gift, women usually remark "He forgot about my birthday and bought this on his way over to see me". I'm just givin peeples the heads up because this girl at work went off when she bought her husband the perfect leather jacket and he got her a cucumber-melon gift set....lol.

Santa's Little Sweatshop

2005-12-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

Every year around this time my mother's house turns into a freakin christmas cyclone. Like St Nicholas just vomited chrismas wrapping, bows, ribbons, and large shopping bags full of useless junk.

My mom retired 3 years ago at thanksgiving, thus bringing in the age of "Vickie the Sweatshop Elf". Now throughout the year, especially in summer, I constantly complain that my mother must be falling into a pit of despair because she will lay on the couch all day watching HGTV or QVC. It's depressing to watch, despite the fact that she seems happy to do just that on hot summer days... but let me tell you, mid-November and the whole damn family starts clamoring for her to get her christmas rush on, and suddenly she's on speed.

Lately I've noticed that my mother is a hoarder. I'm pretty sure she always was one, but it's more apparent now that she has had so many years to just keep buying and keeping all her junk. So what I'm saying is, there isn't much room in the house anymore. But during the holidays it's just not right.. the sheer amount of just stuff. Geez the stuff. None of it is essential, it's just sweaters that look like 3 other sweaters you already own. Anyway our very very small office/guest room just has piles of stuff... it's all over the bed and the floor, it's popping out of the closet, and it's crammed onto book shelves. It's grose. And that's not all. Our coat closet which also serves as a pantry is full to comic proportions. I'm not kidding. If you open the door, there is this wall of stuff taller than me, packed in perfectly so that the door can barely close. Our sweeper now belongs in the hallway because it can't fit in that closet.

My aunt calls constantly because her side of the family is so big and she is always remembering a last minute gift mom needs to pick up at the big walmart across the bridge. And my aunt's family just keeps havin babies so every year there's more nad more and more toys in our house. This year Bee is working 2 jobs so mom volunteered to do all her shopping for her, and wrap all the gifts. Which everybody loves Bee and mom loves to wrap so it's no big deal, but now there was a Bee-pile of gifts that covered our seat/coat rack.

Ok so, they all buy all the stuff or my mom does... then comes the wrapping. Mom loves wrapping but likes to say things around midnight like "I'm exhasted from wrapping all day"... Then, as if she needs to reiterate her accomplishments, she tells me exactly what gift she wrapped for who, who is recieving the gift, where she got it on sale and how she wrapped it special with a diagonal ribbon of 2 colors....lol. To me it's so funny but I like to see her happy so I let her tell me all about it.

Now this wrapping process takes at least 2 weeks and at the end of it, there is still just stuff covering every surface in the house from the kitchen table to the fireplace herth, to the office, to the close. But at least now the office is so bright and colorful that it could give an epileptic seizures, and the wall of gifts in the closet is now less stable because after being wrapped and placed back in there, each gift is strategically balanced so that none of the bows gets crushed.

And this cyclone of too-much-stuff will continue until just a few days before christmas when the family will stop by for donatoes pizza and present exchanges. Then in january when all the decorations are down, adn the stuff is all put away (even though there is never any room for the new stuff)... the house will look bleak and I'll miss the days when there was so much crap squishing intot he hallway and kitchen that I couldn't make ramen noodles without resting my elbow on a brightly warpped package (with 2 colors of ribbon).

Play That Funky Music White Boy

2005-12-11T13:18:00.000-05:00

Well last night I was gonna go see this John Cusack movie by myself and then thought, hmm.. wonder what Cheryl's doing. Turns out she's going to bar with friends so I just met them at the Grandview Cafe.

If you know Grandview Hieghts, Ohio, then you know that it is strictly populated with beautiful preppy people. This bar epitimized the stereotype. Fruity drinks, and beers only in bottles so as not to spill on stylish button-downs and marabou lined camisoles. There were so many well groomed people it looked like they were holding grad school entrance interviews (accept with alot of clevage). Now, Cara lives in Grandview and fits right in, but sometimes hate going places around there because it seems snooty. But I was absolutely wrong, those pretty people were still fun and very nice... but they still had a no rythym...lol.

So there was this awesome band that played only covers or really good songs like Roller Coaster of Love, Sweet Home Alabama, Play That Funky Music White Boy, and Joe Cocker - With a Little Help From my Friends.

There wasn't a whole lot of groping going on in the Grandview Cafe but a friend with us, Nicky (who I called Cindy half the night...lol) lost her wallet and realized it probably fell out in the bathroom. So she went to wait in line and realized whoever was in there wasn't coming out. Then some girl next to her says that a couple went in there 10 minutes ago. So Nicky is like freakin out without her wallet, so she knocks on the door and says "Is there a brown wallet in there"... and no one answers but a second later the door opens and someone hands the wallet out then locks the door again!!! Soo funny.

So anyway I had a really good buzz so Cheryl drove me home. I'm so glad I got to hang out with some new peeps. I'm sure we'll all hang out again. And I found out that one of my friends at work is always ready to hit a bar, so maybe I will become a lush now...lol... j/k.

I Saw Him Dancin There By The Record Machine

2005-12-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

Well well welly-well people. I don't have much to say but I'm feeling squirrely so here we go. Lately the topic of conversation is relationships... and since I mostly hang with the females, the topic has been guys.

I keep thinking how fascinating it would be to interview this huge range of men on realtionships and then publish it. I would call it "The Guy Files". Would anyone read that junk? I bet they would. I mean, I'm smart enough to see that magazine articles are crap and there is no 1 kind of guy, because even I have met a spectrum. But maybe just reading about actual men might help women feel they understand them more. Like interviewing an emo guy who is so deep it's creepy, or a rich guy who's so shallow it's funny. And ya know add my own anecdotes along the way.

The point wouldn't be to generalize but to just learn. I mean even when a bad or boring or dumb relationship ends, we've learned a little more about what we like and what we don't. Maybe The Guy Files would be an easy way to learn what you do want and what you don't without having to embarass yourself getting a guy in bar just to have it crash and burn later. It's be like getting the experience in, without wasting the time and energy. Granted you wouldn't get any nookie from a book but at least you wouldn't have to regret that time that got the herpes...j/k. Alright maybe we could sell the book with a nook-pillow (like on the favs page) to pretend you got the lovin too...lol.

I think I should name each guy I interview after a song. Like the guy who can't commit would be "Desperado", and the guy who won't give up would be "In Your Eyes" like John Cusack.

Ok so that book "He's Just Not Into You", the good one... that author was on the Colbert Report saying that once all these women read this book and finally started saying "he's just not into and that's ok"... suddenly the guys didn't understand why the girls weren't calling constantly and clinging to them so he was gonna write a book called "Dude, Get Off Her Lawn" for all the guys who didn't understand the simple "just not into you" phrase...lol.

Lordy lordy, look at all the freaks... too bad I want a freak all my own. To the men of the world, I no longer hate you. So if you see a girl with long blond in a bar or something, or at the lennox, or a carabou coffee in grandview with a curly haired friend... please grow a pair and come say hi. From afar I may seem very into my conversation, or even seem aloof... I promise I'm not a bitch, I'm just waiting for you to make a move.

"To Huevos Rancheros and Maya Angelou"

2005-12-04T01:30:00.000-05:00

Yes another plug for RENT, that line is from La Vie Boheme. I'm pretty sure the song is saying damn-the-man, be whoever or whatever you are... just don't buy into the status quo. I've been buying in alot lately, but at heart I'm still a bohemian...lol. Ya know why? Because I love Empire Records, Home for the Holidays, Love & Sex, Can't Hardly Wait, Garden State, and Rent. I also like Reggae in the Spring, Blues in the summer, Guys with guitars in the Fall, and Nina Simone in winter. Because I order the non-fat cafe mocha, but then add caramel and whip creme to it. Because I bite my lower lip when I'm upset, and smile too much when I'm nervous.

Geez, I dunno, whatever. I hung out with Cara tonight, which is always great because she gets me... she says "Jack, we get you". WE have both agreed that we need to go out, get drunk and make out with total strangers...lol... j/k... or are we *wink*. Man I just want to have fun lately. I want to be crazy and just drive somewhere weird. I wanna sing kareoke. I wanna go dancing... course I'm pretty sure I'm really wired from the giant coffee I just had...lol.

I could be getting loopy because tomorrow it's back to work. Boo-hiss. Actually it will be fun, it usually is. And I'm not worried about that report anymore. I have never ever been fired from a job, and I've never not been promoted. I know I'm a good worker, and at the least I am constantly cleaning up other employee's messes. I got some christmas shopping done, and watched alot of built-up tivo. PS new Project Runway starts wednesday and Kathy Griffin's new special is the same night. Watch it, or you will be left out when I make inside jokes!

Dude, my hair is getting sooo long. But I got a couple compliments tonight so maybe it's not that crazy lady hair yet... you know those people with kinky frizzy hair past their ass. I was thinking of dying it dark. I should say my friends at work wanted to dye it dark but thank god I never went through with that.

"Is there anyone who smiles without a mask?"

2005-12-02T00:54:00.000-05:00

Hey Grasshoppers. Guess what I did... I do it every year when I switch my format back to Rockefellar Square... I either lose my page counter or I lose my questbook. This year it was the guest book, and here's what sucks, on my favorites page I have a picture of the dreamiest guy named Rob... and this guy from Pittsburgh or something found my site and said "Hey, that's my brother Rob". I thought that was soo funny and now it's erased... boo hiss. So I know you're sick of resigning it people, so I won't even ask...lol. But my new friend in the blogsphere Rich, who is hilarious, and absolutely unique signed the new one so it's not an empty page... oh how the empty page is ugly.

Yay 3 days off in a row. Couldn't have come at a better time. I just saw an unofficial kinda report of our stats at work and mine were nowhere near what I though they were. I guess I was being over-sensetive and asking someone about wether I was going to get in trouble... and she ended up hurting my feelings but all is well now... but I needed a few days to get my stuff together. Need to wash some friggin laundry, clean out my fatty clothes, and get my christmas shopping done.

I need to get some writing done... I always feel better when I finish a chapter, like I'm not wasting my time.

Today I got nothing done accept I went to dinner with the Hodges. When I was letting my car warm up Henry said he was reading my bumper stickers to get a feel for who I was because he had someone he wanted to set me up with. Now I really like Henry, he's a good guy for Julie, and yes I haven't been as politically crazed since I got out of school, but I know Henry's buddies are all country boys and I don't think they would dig me. So I was joking and asking him if his friend was chubby, because I dig chubby, and he said No, he's 6'1" and 140 soaking wet. But Henry said, yeah but I think he's close to you personality-wise because you're both really nice and both virgins... eh hem.

Good god love. I am just a victim of circumstance here. I'm not freaking waiting for brad pitt, or for marriage, or even waiting for more than a couple months. Thats it... I'm gonna get one of my friend's drunk and get it over with... I'm sick of this label, and I'm never telling anyone I date ever again. I am not the freak that people assume you are when they hear that. I'm no freakin saint, people, but I don't think it's crazy to just want a month or two of getting to know someone before risking a disease or a baby. Cause, bitch, I ain't havin no babies...lol.

But am I so transparent to everyone now that I'm the nice virgin, I think yes. I once was the comedian who told funny stories, laughed till she pee'd her pants, and had a new boyfriend every couple months in high school. I used to be the political junkie who was really into CNN and college democrats, and who hated men in college. Now I'm the nice girl... c'mon who wants to be that? I mean people at work are really surprised when they hear me cuss. Maybe I need a make-over. Like dark short hair to make me feel like a bad ass....lol.

I guess I'll be juggling alot of things in the next few months. Trying to move up at work, my loan payments will start in a month. I'm still making good money, but working alot of overtime to do it. I was never gonna be the type to settle down early in life anyway. I'm just this girl who's too nice, who's too innocent, and a wallflower... except when I'm writing, then I'm a bad-ass mutha...

Winter is Here and I'm Still Waiting There - Bob Marley

2005-11-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

Good god love, could these holidays be flying at me any faster.

It's odd that I love the holidays sooo much. I watch christmas movies in July... and yet every year I get a little less excited about the actual holidays once they're here. Maybe it's all the stupid lovey-dovey movies and tv shows on around this time that make me think that the holidays should be a certain way. Like suddenly your family is great and fun to be around and everyone is in love. Then when your life isn't that way christmas just feels weird. I love my family but I don't quite fit in, never really did I guess. I love my friends but they are all with thier families or with thier couples families. I need to find some bohemian-hippie friends who's families live 1,000's of miles away and they must hang out with me, or at least call me at work.

Thanksgiving I saw Donnie and Larissa for like 10 minutes and they had to go. I had dinner with mom, Denny and Bee, which was fun but the place just seemed empty I guess. Then Matt and Diana were there for like 15 minutes before I had to leave for work.

It's probably wrong but I'm really glad that all my work friend's were required to work on Thanksgiving day because they make me laugh, and I feel like I fit in there. It did really suck though that everyone else around me was scheduled 4-10 and I was scheduled 6-12 because I spent those last two hours completely by myself... But D-dra (her real name is Diedra but I have to write her name phonetically or else I pronounce it Deerdra)... so D-dra kept singing "Lonley, Amber's so lonely" when she was leaving. I told her I would get her back and I did so by shredding all the tissues left in my box and pouring them on her desk. I made a mini snowman and paper trees for background... creating dunt-duh-na-na "D-dra's Winter Wonderland". This was mostly funny because the next day she had to be in by 8am and was late and couldn't get to her keyboard underneath that mess to clock in. Oh haha good times. PS I also left several neon sticky-note A's as a calling card. (view here)

Anyhoo Christmas is coming, so there are several things I'm excited about.

1) I'm excited to send Bob a christmas care-package full of small wrapped gifts including a book. He and I share the belief that books are an awesome gift to get and give.

2) I'm hoping mom figured out a way to get me the room stuff I wanted. Basically I want to gut my room, start clean, just white desks kinda and an armoir that closes because I'm sick of my tv being the eye catcher in there.

3) The Nutcracker gods have not, for like 7 years, allowed me to see the damn nutcracker. Finally last year Julie and I got tickets for December 23rd and wouldn't you know the worst ice storm ever hit that night and burried metro ohio for 5 days. I remember Julie's family even spent christmas in a hotel because they didn't have heat. So maybe this year we will finally get to see the 7:30 show on the 17th!

4) Christmas day, again all of the work peeps are required to be there for at least 6 hours. So I will get to laugh on xmas day... but they will all leave again at 10... and there I will be alone on christmas. At least Barb is planning a get-together for all of us to exchange our secret santa gifts, and she said I can get drunk and pass out on her couch.

5) This one may not happen but I really really want to see the ferris wheel and ice rink they set up downtown. Honestly I will go by myself, I just want to see it.

6) The dvd copy of Claymation Christmas I ordered from amazon. I loved that stupid show as a kid and my mom taped over it with Touched by an Angel... I mean c'mon lady! Woman in a white dress talkin bout jesus, or play-doh California Raisins singing a jazzy rendition of Rudolf? Yeah thats what I thought too!

Hokay-so (taken from that net-movie The End of the World). I got to see RENT, yay. Rosario was way better in her role than whoever I saw and heard before. Infact I think 4 of the characters in the movie were at the show I saw with the Hodge girls last year. Anyway, awesome, see it. Buy the soundtrack for Rosario's version of Another Day. Also I've been thinking... I wish people burst into song and dance more often, I mean sometimes I'm out running at midnight. I know no one is awake in this sleepy town, and I know no one sees me but still I never dance to my mp3 player. But oh man I want to just break and run weird like Phoebe, but I don't. I should though because "I've got moves you've never seen before. Like a twisty Bobcat Pretzel"...lol

Also see Saw 2, very good. But still don't see Saw 1, it isn't very pertinant to the new storyline and it is at times laughably unrealistic. See Harry Potter because everyone else said they loved it, but I was really upset that all the best, fun, happy parts from the book were soured by this dark-sinister-grayed portrayal.

Also someone please start watching either "Hot Properties" or "How I Met Your Mother" or both, because I love them and need someone to love them with me so we can talk about them. Hot Properties is 4 chics who work together as real estate agents. It's funny and very chicky-girly. Like a comical-underproduced version of sex and the city. And "... Your Mother" is about this group of peeps. The main guy, although the storylines are about all the characters, he decides he wants to get married and is looking for the perfect woman. He's cute and quirky and we love him. Then there is his best friend and friend's fiance, they are weird but kinky and fun, and we love them. Still with me? Ok then there's Robin the news anchor, she's career driven and commitment-phobic. Then there is that guy who played doogie howser, you're supposed to not like him cause he's a jerk but they give him all the quirky jokes. Please tell me you know what the Lemon Law, and "Have you met Ted?" means??? And also there is a new show coming out about 4 guys all living in the same house that has that short guy from Without a Paddle in it. Looks funny. Still listening? ok good, watch that too.

Here I am telling all of you to watch tv when the DVR pretty much erases everything now before i get to watch it. A busy life is a good life, I think so.

I Know You Got A Complex. Cock it and Pull it!

2005-11-18T19:49:00.000-05:00

Another one bites the dust...lol. Is it wrong that I feel relieved? Is it wrong that I gave my number to the guy who helped me that crappy night? I'm gonna go ahead and say "no" to both questions. I know what I want... I know when I'm done. I'm sorry I broke my promise to Julie to get rejected since I never have been, and it's something I need to experience but ...c'mon, love.

Nothing wrong with saying, "He's just not into me". Even if he thinks he is, he's not. Guys are not just jerks in general (well some are)... but if I was "the one" for him, he would know it, he would tripping over himself to get out of the doghouse. He's not worried about it. It cooled off before it began... Anyhooo...

As far as hottie car guy is concerned
"I don't think I'll see (him) again,
but we shared a moment that will last till the end."
... lol. Thank You James Blunt for the lyrics to my life.

I started editing my first novel/work-book. God, I love doing this stuff. It's so weird... in school whenever anyone asked me to write a paper for them I jumped at the chance. I loved having extra chances to show off my num-chuck skillz... er, I mean writing skillz...lol

Julie to this day cringes to think of the times she came to me to look over a paper she wrote because I would (lovingly) rip it to shreds. There would be pink pen marks everywhere to the point that it couldn't be read anymore. Eventually I would just rewrite it entirely. Granted people I did this to or for (lovingly) got kick-ass grades back but they hated me....lol.

Writing is the only thing I have ever been snotty or judgemental about. Maybe it's because it's the only thing I ever did really well. Like some people are really pretty, or at least believe themselves to be, and so they constantly judge the looks of others. This is me and writing. All my friends have always always been science oriented, so writing was pretty much the only thing I could help them with.

Gypsies, Queens, Tramps and Thieves

2005-11-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

Ok yesterday both sucked and restored my faith in lost things.

I got tickets to Collective Soul and Better than Ezra yesterday and invited this guy I'm seeing. I'm not one to toot my own horn but I loved my outfit, however tall boots we not the best decision I ever made. By the end of the 4 hour concert my lower back was killing me. It was like 1am when we got back to his place and he had to get up early so I headed home.... but my car had made a funny noise on the way to his house so he said to make sure I call him if my car breaks down or anything.

I pulled away and only got 2 streets away when I HAD to pull off the main road onto a street called, no joke, Leather Stocking rd. I left my car running and got on my hands and knees with a flashlight, in my hot outfit that was showing alot of clevage. I checked all under the car because it felt like I was dragging something. I didn't see anything so I felt positive that my engine or transmission or something equally as expensive had given out on me. I decided to pull my car around so I could park properly and realized that my one side was lower. I pulled my car in front of this house where a guy happened to be getting out of his truck and heard my freakishly loud flat tire.

I got out of my car, wearing my outfit, and hair blowin all freakin everywhere because of the approaching storm/tornado. This guy, very cute maybe 21, asks if I need some help. I told him I had AAA. And he said that he wouldn't mind changing the tire if I had a spare, but I didn't think I did. I had this doughnut in my trunk... and this guy tried and tried to get it to fit but it was the wrong size. So he said that he thought he might have a spare in my house, he went and got that and tried to put that on. I mean honestly... I told him if the spare fit I would send him a check and he said "no, no it's fine"... but his was the wrong size too.

At this point he had been working on my car, in the cold gustyness, and the rain splatters for over an hour. Then he looked at my tire and said, maybe it wasn't completely blown and he could use fix-a-flat on it. He looked through 3 car trunks at his house and never found any so he honest to god said "Stay here, I'm gonna run down the street and get some." And I stopped him and said "are you serious?... Why are you helping me so much?" and he said that he got stranded once on the highway for 2 hours, worst 2 hours of his life and he didn't want that to happen to anybody else. So I offered him a 5 spot to buy the fix-a-flat.

After he left, the rain started to get more than drizzly slatters and the wind got colder so I crawled into my car carefully, so as not to mess up the jack. I had called mom the second I pulled onto Leather Stocking rd... and she was histerical that I was allowing a strange guy to help me. But my cell phone was going dead so I had to get off the phone. Honestly... I am the best judge of character of anyone I know. I trusted this guy... and mom should have trusted me. Anyway, I had called greg at some point and he didn't answer. The concert had killed both of us, and he's a heavy sleeper so he must have been absolutely out. Anyway, he called back at some point and left a message. I called him back to say I was still just down the street, kinda stranded but a nice guy was helping me. He never got the message till the next day and I'm pretty sure he felt like crap about it.

Ok so the cute, good samiritan comes back, replaces my flat tire on the car, and fills it full of fix-a-flat. The second he came back from the store he hands me my money back and says don't worry about it. Anyway, as he is pumping the crap into the tire he says "ok, after we get you going you're gonna have to put air in your tire. Do you know the area?" I said "no". And he said "Ok, turn right out of here and go to the speedway. I talked to the guy inside and he said he's gonna help you if you need it". I mean seriously, maybe this kid wanted in my pants but he was so frickin sweet. And because I am a good judge of character, I honeslty think he was just raised right, and helping a half clothed girl standing out in the cold.

Anyway, we get the fix-it junk in the tire and then we here a hiss... and realize the air is escaping from the nozzle that the air goes into. And all that hard work is caput. By this time I can't even hold the flashlight for him anymore because I'm shaking uncontrollably in the cold. Poor him had been out there in a t-shirt for almost 2 hours now helping me. Finally I said "Thank you so much but I'm just gonna call my mom for a ride home"

He started cleaning up all the mess that was made and I called mom to come get me. Mom was still freaked out asking me if that guy had gone away... good god love. Anyway, after all that work I walked up to the guy and said "By the way, my name is Amber." He smiled and went to shake my hand then realized he was all smudged in car black and said "I don't want to get your nice clothes dirty". I put my hand out anyway and said "least I can do is shake your hand"... So he shook my hand told me his name was Matt. He asked, was I sure I was ok, and I had a ride and I said yeah. He started to walk away but kept looking back like he felt bad leaving me there.

At this point I was soaked and cold. Now thank god my mom is overprotective and always handing me crap to keep in the oh-shit stash in my car. Because I had the jack, a tire iron, that flashlight... and dunt duh-na-na a Teddy Ruxbin blanket. I got in my car, turned on the christmas station and wrapped up best I could in my Ruxbin. I just remember being so drained that I couldn't change the radio station. At the same time so disapointed by one thing, and so uplifted by the kindness of stranger.

I waited for mom about 30 minutes and was never happier to see her... and her warm car. People who know me, or know her, know my mom is not always the most compassionate... but every once in a while she goes through these I-would-do-anything-for-my-kids phases. I was greatful she was in that mood last night. She drove all the way there and drove me back, in this weird windy, rain splatter storm. That actually is a big deal because she was thrown from her car on a night like that when she was like 20... she never got over it. Anyway then today she drove me back to Leather Stocking dr and helped me find a tire repair place nearby and stayed with me till I was back on the road on my way to work. She even bought me a coffee, which normally she complains that I spend almost 4 bucks on a single drink.

Anyway last night gave me alot to reflect on... although I am very very tired, so maybe all this epiphany is sleep induced. But I am lucky. Lucky that although I was stranded, a good guy came to my rescue or at least tried his damndest. Lucky that mom is nearer than I realize sometimes. Lucky that the towing guy was only 5 minutes from Leather Stocking, and that the tire repair place wasn't busy and had me ready to go in 20 minutes. On top of that, I won a gas card at work for one of those wierd prizes they give away which practially covers the cost of my tire. I do have the luck of the Irish.

Maybe it's just my outlook but things always work out for me. Some diety, somewhere, or some energy is on my side. It will not let me fall, at least not far... and all the horrible things I say about myself, to myself, are starting to subside.

I hope I stop letting people treat me the way I treat myself... as a substitute. Someone's substitute for work, or another person, or a substitute for checmical uppers. I may have been born a substitute but I will make myself a lead character in this life if it kills me.

PS I have my first interview with the head of marketing research next week. To all those who never believe my rantings on always being better than I was meant to be... I gotta say "Move bitch get-out the way"....lol

In a World Full of People Only Some Want to Fly... Isn't That Crazy

2005-11-06T14:31:00.000-05:00

Ok so recently I have been distracted from my career goals... I WILL get back on track this week. I am going to set up those meeting with the research department in marketing and also the public affairs department. I have to admit I love writing... but my writing style is more built for speech and broadcast commentary than memos and press-releases. No better time to jump in though, right?

It so easy to get caught up in an easy life for a moment. I'm not worried about money right now, not worried about friend stuff, and work is not only easy, but fun most days... it's a good life right now but I am absolutely going to have to shake it up soon if I want to make my mark... which I do.

Also I guess I've been dating this guy. I don't think he reads this journal anymore, but just in case, I won't give details except to say that fun is fun. Cuddling is cool too. And he's gone on business alot so no fear of static cling...lol.

Now is the time I miss my Bobby. He was my biggest fan, pumped me up or cut me down as needed. The quintasential Will to my Grace. He would tell me I need to get out more, and kiss more random people, grab some butts... and at the same he would tell me that I was talented, and that he was damn lucky to have me. I just miss him sometimes, ya know. I think I will watch the Real World New Orleans Blooper Real tonight. That is the absolute funniest thing ever. Then maybe I'll watch my "Funny Shit" tape that I made the year I lived with cara. Dane Cook, Ellen's Eye, those wierdos from Average Joe.... Good Stuff.

Of the Seven Deadly Sins... I understand Gluttony the Least

2005-10-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

Now that I am out of school I was under the impression that speaking of alcohol in terms of sheer volume gallons shouldn't be cool outside of the campus oval or keg parties. However I'm learning that even grown-up people use "drink-talk" in order to socialize. I mean it's fun to get drunk and do crazy shit every once in a while... but when at least twice a week you're having a full-fledged conversation about how "god, I am so hungover today" and wearing it as if it were a badge of honor... I mean c'mon. I had some good stories that had people rolling after my birthday but I have funny stories about stuff I did sober too. I was completely sober last thursday when I asked my date if his "rock was still hot"... (He was cooking steak on a steaming rock they put on his plate)... embarrassing that I was sober

I do completely understand that everyone can be a little freer with a few drinks... thats cool... but it seems as if people actually need these drinks to be social at all. Seriously, try some pictionary or a coffee place. I don't know, I've never been normal, have I?

When will you realize, Vienna waits for you...

2005-10-30T14:30:00.000-05:00

Firstly I will apologize to Julie for all the years and all the relationships that I would not allow her to share with me. Maybe it made me a bad friend but in my defense, I never understood.

Also to Bob, you rock my world... You're the adventurer inside all of us. Please do not get molested in Bangkok!!! So to those of you who don't know, our little Bobby is taking his GRE in Thailand because it was the closest testing facility to Taiwan. He is on a steady diet of 2 hours sleep daily, and assorted rice but he was excited to hop that flight. Till he got off and saw the horrible images of children being led around by dirty old, greasy, american men there on assorted sex tours. Thankfully he sped into an internet cafe that was playing Celion Dion... he figured there must not be much sex going on if Celine is playing. He then secured himself in his jungle-themed but highly secure hotel room. Ohmigod, what must have happened on those sheets frightens me!

Then today he did some sight-seeing... saw a temple of some kind I think, and alot of cool buddhas. Then he was most excited to see a real Thai kickboxing fight. And of course... because he is Bob... the fight master actually came over to see him afterward. Bob told the man that he was only in town for another day and the fightmaster invited him to have a free lessen. I mean what the f, right?...lol So tonight Bob is studying for the GRE, pulling an all-nighter, then in the morning he is taking his test, then afternoon getting his kung-fu on, then back home to Taiwan. What a life, ya know. This kid surprises me everyday. One day, someone will ask him to run for senate, and he will do it just for fun and end up winning. Good to know I got in on the ground floor with such an awesome friend to have.

It's insane to me that my friends are so awesome. I mean everyday someone I know inspires me in some new weird way, or makes me think I'm absolutely worthy of adventure, success, relationships, and greatness. What a life I have too, ya know.

I guess I have changed alot since I graduated and I think I change more every time I turn around. Not just my mind, and my energy, but I lost 15 pounds since graduation too. What's odd is that the whole time I was in school (I can admit it now) I was so angry, and so depressed. I was always talking about politcs and religion, and feminism, and just stuff that is bigger than me. I resolved on most days that I had finally found out who I was, and nobody liked me as who I was. I'm starting to realize that whoever we are... it's liquid. We change, everything changes... I mean, you should know who you are at the core, or else hard times will be too much to handle... but the rest is just sand.

You've heard the story of the high school teacher who was sick of the pettiness of his students. He brought in a big glass jar, a pile of large rocks, a pile of small rocks, and some sand. He said to them that the large rocks are the most important things in your life. The people whom you love, and trust, both people you were born to, and people you have chosen. And the teacher put in as many big rocks into the glass jar as he could. Then he picked up the medium rocks and poured them in and said "these rocks represent all the core beliefs you have chosen to have... these are the things that make you who you are". The medium rocks spilled along, filling in the holes of the big rocks. Then he picked up the sand and said "these grains of sand are the tiny incidents that you encounter everday, including the gossip, and small hardships, and just plain small people who hold the sand tighter than the rocks"... Then he poured the sand in and as it slid right through the holes between the rocks, sinking to the bottom he said "The rocks you hold on to... but the rest is just sand".

I love that story, granted I'm sure I didn't tell it right... but the idea seems a little clearer these days. I would like to say that I was holding onto the big rocks but I wasn't. Politics and all that were the medium rocks at best, but I held them up higher than people alot of the time. I was so concerned with proving I wasn't a white trash, big-breasted, dumb blond... that I lost sight of knowing I wasn't that. I am not that... I believe it now. I believe people who give me compliments now. It's a weird new odd thing for me... and I like-it-a-lot...lol (as Jim Carey would say). I am over cutting my hair short, or dying it dark to stop the blond jokes. I'm over wearing black so I don't stand-out and/or sweat shirts. I am over hating my body because lately I'm kinda proud of it. And I'm mostly over the assumption that this life may not offer me as much as I once hoped for. In short... Good times, good times.

PS I can't decide if tomorrow I should dress as Belle from Beauty and the Beast... a slutty pirate with a banner that says "Pirates have the best booty"... or Craig the boy cheerleader from the SNL Spartans (only b/c a friend of mine is going to be Arianna and we both know the perfect cheer already.) Hmm we'll see

birfday

2005-10-16T14:17:00.000-04:00

Well another drunken birthday, what fun. C'mon I only get to do this once a year so I do it right. This year was even better because Julie and Andy never drink and they got tipsy too.

Ok so we called everybody up and met Cara, Andy, Cheryl, Julie and her new beau Henry, and Ben who brought Annie (and Annie's parents were there for a while too). Met at Brazenhead, our bar of choice.

Andy said he knew I was drunk when I violated him by sticking my hand down his shirt to check for back-hair... (I only did it cause I knew he wouldn't have any). Then Cara said she knew Andy was drunk when he had a full conversation with her about how he wants his house to have a multitude of urinals. I knew i was drunk when I was fallowing Julie to the bathroom for the 3rd time in about 20 minutes and started laughing at her so hard that Cara paointed and laughed at me saying "Look, she's doing the pee dance"

Around that time I was completely sure I had hit my buzz limit. I am very good at knowing my limit. I was probably at 3 mixed drinks and 5 shots or so. Well most of the night Ben had been hanging out with Annie and parents but after I hit my limit he bought the table a round of red shots plus an extra shot of goldscholgger for me. Then someone bought cherry bombs. Then Andy got me a long island, and god only knows why I bought me and Julie something called a creamy nipple (?).

Now I love cherry bombs because they are fun and dirty and sticky and whatnot. You drop a shot of cherry vodka into a big glass of redbull. So me, Julie and Andy clinked shots and dropped them, splattering our bare arms in stickiness, and then drink up. Julie and I finish and look over at Andy... who is pouring the vodka into the redbull glass... wtf? lol He saw us get splashed and was like hell-to-the-no.

I had so much fun just talking with everybody and laughing all night but I think the most absolute fun was in the bathroom. I mean, me and J were smashed but everyone else at the table was just a little buzzed. So when we got in the bathroom we just let loose and acted insane. J has the smallest bladder ever, so breaking the seal for her meant 3 trips to the john. By the third trip up those 3 stairs and down that hallway to the rr I was, as Cara said, doing the drunk walk (as demonstrated by comedian Dane Cook). And when I got into that stall I think I actually hit my head on one of the walls... i remember Julie hearing the sound and laughing at me, but I honest to god can't remember how one would hit thier head on the wall of a bathroom stall. hmm

They had these hand sensored towel machines and J couldn't seem to make her hand make sensor contact with the red light, so she just waved at it until she would cross her legs like she was going to pee her pants from laughing at herself. Eventually she figured it out and made sure to hit the sensor a couple extra times for when she made her next bathroom trip.

spinning around - monologues

2005-09-28T14:13:00.000-04:00

Last night I was on the phone with Julie, near the end of a long phone call. I had been getting some laundry folded while ont he ohone but I was finished and needed something else to do

The other night I started spinning around while I was talking on the phone. I thought "Hey, this is fun. Feel just like a kid again." Then I stopped spinning cause Julie said something that caught my attention. But the abruptness of the stopping made my stomach get the McGirggles, and I suddenly realized why adults don't spin around. Or at least adults shouldn't spin and speak, I mean kids don't multi-task like that I guess.

Ok I gotta tell you this story about Julie's work injury. Although she works with kids, sometimes the kids can be a little, well... bigger. This one girl was age 19 and maybe around 300 pounds and had some bladder issues where she had to be cathed every 4 hours. We ll it actually took 1 person to hold back the girls stomach and then Julie had to lift up the girl's, well girly-parts, in order to get the cathater in there. But it was getting pretty hard to find the right spot and Julie ended up literally pulling a really bad muscle in her elbow from the whole ordeal. What was worse was that she had to do this every 4 hours, and then the next day every 4 hours. By the end of it all every time she would raise her elbow, she'd wince. Lol, i know most people aren't going to find that to be very funny but honestly, watching her wince because she was holding up a vagina is pretty funny. Especially because whenever she tells the story she makes this claw-like gesture with her hand to show how she pulled it, lifting up... oh so funny.

If you are a cable customer this may anger you, but as someone who work in the call center, I gotta say how funny our days are. You take a call for like 2 minutes and then talk to your neighbor for like 5. We just joke and laugh all day. The girl next to me is hilarious because someone will be talking in her headset and she'll say "Let me put you on hold so I can look into the problem" and then she starts eating her lunch....classic...lol.

Bobby

2005-09-26T17:55:00.000-04:00

My old friend and yours, Bob, called me today from a land faraway called Taiwan.

He told me of strange people, and customs, like garbage men and cheap airfare.

First I absolutely have to tell you about this thing that they do in Taiwan. It's so strange that the first time it happened Bob said it was like living in Children of the Corn or something. He was walking along one day with all his new friends and heard an ice cream truck. So he said "wow, they have ice cream trucks here?" but before he understood what was happening people starting running down to the street... not holding money for delicious treats, but holding bags of garbage. The truck making the sound finally rounded the corner and it was actually the garbage truck. And Bob looked down the street at all the asian people waiting patiently, in lines along the side of the street, to throw thier garbage in and thought "What the f? ". But then the garbage man got out to help the people, and he was dressed like, dunt-dunna-nuh... a ninja! Honeslty he was wearing full ninja gear including the black thing over his face (although he only had it to keep the smell away). CREEPY. But now that Bob has been there for a while he is trained well... when he hears the ice cream truck music, he grabs his trash and runs to the street to wait patiently for his chance to keep Taiwan clean.

Another funny thing is obviously that he's Bob, he's black and gay, and so he sticks out a little. He was hoping that he would be really tall in comparison there, but actually he fits in pretty well, hieght wise. But since he's black, people ask where he's from and he says America, and they say "No, you're from Africa"... Now Bob also has another friend from South Africa who happens to be white, as most South Africans are. But people always say to his friend "No, you're British, not African"...

This is more crrepy than funny but most Asian countries are obsessed with American culture, which at first was a good transition for Bob, but now it's getting weird and a little annoying. They listen to our music, but it's like all Madonna, prince and the occasional Usher. It's like they only listen to our pop and not our rock or alternative. I mean, you might hear Madonna on a speaker somewhere but it would be fallowed by a couple of not-so-internationally-popular songs. And alot of Asian people LOVE kareoke. On Bob's third day in the streets of Taipai, a man caught him and asked if he was American, Bob said yes, and the man invited him inside to sing kareoke and have snacks. What's wierder, is that Bob accepted! I swear that kid is too trusting. So anyway I think there were alot of other people there, and Bob ended up singing fly me to the moon for a small asian crowd...lol.

I miss Bob more than I realized I would. Different friends serve different purposes in our lives, and when they aren't there like they always were you wonder who will fill the void... sadly there is no one who can fill another person's place.

It is gorgeous outside here, which I'm even more greatful for, considering how Bob is blowing black snot from his nose. I LOVE fall. The colors and cool breezes. The smell of bonfires on friday nights, and the sound of crunching leaves everywhere you walk. Absolutely no season is more romantic. It just makes me want to sit on the deck with my laptop, with a hot cup of coffee, and a big blanket... just writing, writing, writing. About what I don't know, since my social life is a little dry and therefore so is my writing.

The underwear Dance

2005-09-25T16:17:00.000-04:00

Lately Julie has been seeing this guy named Henry, and since we are dorks we started making fun of the fact that Julie is not exactly in touch with her sexual side. Apparently Henry believes that all women wear thongs at all times. Somebody seriously lied to that boy but anyway I made a joke like "Has Henry seen your boy-short underwear with the monkeys on it yet?" We laughed but then I got a picture in my head of when Cameron Diaz was dancing in her superman underwear in Charlie's Angels... So she asked me why I was laughing and I said that I was picturing what Julie would look like if Henry asked her to do a sexy dance in her underwear... because I swear to god it would look like that...lol

Then Julie turns it on me and says that if someone ever asked me to do a sexy dance in thier underwear it would be exactly like Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies when she was swinging from that bed post and flung herself down, but she pops right back up and continues dancing...lol. Which is probably exactly what would happen. Funny funny.

Ok so that same night we had a whole discussion about wouldn't it be fun to live together, ect ect. We have this convo like every couple of months but we always discuss the wierdest parts of living together. Like farting. No, I don't know why we got on the subject but we were also talking about how walls are thin and what would you do if you heard someone in the next room just let out a loud one. I guess you had to be there but we thought it was pretty funny that if Julie let one loose I would just yell out "Did you just fart?"...

It reminds me of one of our favorite stories about the boys from high school. A couple years ago we were at a party the boys were throwing in thier awesome house in grandview. I asked Bishop where the bathroom is and he said "It's up there, but you might not want to go in just yet, Ben just took a big shit." This was slightly mean, or at least a rudish thing to say because even if it smelled like shit in there I would have pretended it didn't. But when we discuss moving in and wouldn't it be funny if we had people over and Julie just all-out said to someone. "Don't go in the bathroom, Amber just took a big shit". Eventually this funny story/thought evolved into even making a sign for the bathroom door that said on one side "Don't come in here, Julie just took a big shit." and it would say my name on the other side and we could just switch it back and forth. Good times...

Speaking of poo, ever since Oprah had a special show on taking care of your body that featured a segment on poo, people have decided it's ok to talk about it. Since Julie is a nurse, and we are apparently closer than two people ever should be, we speak of this frequently. Somewhere along this discussion we have realized that men are weird. We know one guy... actually a couple guys who must must must be naked when they poo. I swear they fear that thier clothes may touch the toilet, or in worse case scenario, touch actual poo. We also have heard that another guy we know often plays the guitar during bowel movements... I find this odd because he worries poo will touch his clothes but doesn't worry that it will touch his guitar...hmm. Plus when I picture this sight in my head, a naked guy, on the toilet, playing guitar, I feel bad for whoever he ends up living. Or maybe I am happy for her since she will be able to point and laugh at him at least once a day.

Also recently Julie and I snuck into the movie Four Brothers staring the lovable Marky Mark, and that guy from outcast. Well there was this scene where Marky Mark was pooing on the toilet and reading the paper at the same time. The paper was strategicly placed over his man-parts although, had he sqiggled in the slightest, we all would have relived that porn movie. Anyhoo thats no the weird part... Another brother was actually showering at the same time. And still weirder, the outkast guy walked in and had a full-fledged conversation with both brothers. At one point I think the 4th brother may have even come in to brush his teeth or something. Um no. No one, I don't care if they are married, or dating, or even brothers, should ever poo or even pee in front of anyone else. Unless you are going to absolutely pee yourself, or you have a particularly fiery case of diarhea and there's no time to clear the bathroom.

Another little something something that happened is that Julie has now twice given people the business end of her mouth in the movie theater. Now I should say that when I met Julie she hardly ever spoke and seemed a little scared of public speaking in general. So I've got to say that I'm proud of the little theater nazi now that she isn't "takin no crap".

The first time I didn't blame her. We were in one of the smaller theaters, which kinda suck in general but that night there were also some really rude girls sitting behind us. I swaer during the whole movie this one girl was making really assanine comments like "Ooh, why she go in dere?" or "That bitch is ugly as a dog." or even "That guy so dumb, I woulda been like BAM bitch, e-yeah-ya"... anyhow Julie finally had her fill and turned around to say something like "Everyone has heard you talking thru this whole movie and no one needs to hear it". Now up till that point everyone in the theater had been trying subtly to cough or whisper things like "how rude" loud enough to shut them up, but Julie was the only one who really spoke up. Immediatly after she said her peace, the loudest girl said "what the... fuck you" and I believe Julie said "Fuck you" back. So the rude chic turns to her friend and says "Can you believe that shit?"... and her friend didn't answer...lol. So funny, her friend just left her out to dry.

I was stunned simply because those girls were kinda rough-n-tumble looking and I didn't need a cap in my ass or anything. So the girls were quiet for that last 15 minutes of the movie but afterward Julie had to pee, because Julie always has to pee, and I just frickin knew it, those rough girls walked in, looked me up and down, said something about "There's that bitch..." and went into stalls. I swear I was having flash-backs to getting beat up in the bathrooms of my ghetto elementary school. (The bathrooms were the only place teachers never went in to.) Plus they thought I was the one who bitched them out, because from behind, me and Julie both have long dirty-blond hair. So I was suddenly thinking "I knew that bitch was gonna get me beat up one day. Damn her, damn her!" Then Julie came out of the stall and washed her hands, but she wasn't understanding my lets-get-the-fuck-outta-here signals before the rough-girls came out. And Julie actually tried to give them a dirty look, so I got the hell out before hair got pulled... but nothing happened in the end.. that night at least.

Two weeks later we were so desperate to just see a movie any movie... there has been a good movie shortage, in case you didn't know.... and we actually paid cash money to see March of the Penquins. Yes it's sad, but at least we had the absolute, entire theater to ourselves... for about 5 minutes. Out of nowhere these asshole 15 year old boys ran up the steps at full speed, giggling thier brace-faced giggles, and running bo-legged like boys in that awkward phase do.... ran up and flopped into the seats right next to me despite the 400 other empty seats in the theater. Because the landing of thier asses had jossled me, I very pissy-like said "You do know this is March of the Penquins, right?" The boys giggled and sqirmed and said "yeah, we know, aren't you excited?" Now, I could have slapped those little shits and made them cry but I just sat there, knowing the ADHD would get to them and they would leave eventually, and they did. Apparently the little dorks had some little dork girlfriends because all four of them were running and prancing around in front of the screen as Morgan Freeman began his monologue. But they left the theater.

However about 15 minutes later, we were already bored with the movie and mostly talking over Morgan, when those damn boys came back, barrelling up the steps and running full-force straight at us. I was a little scared, as if baby ostriches had gotten loose at the zoo and were attacking the closest humans. Those bumbling idiots tripped over us and plopped into the seats next to Julie, crushing her bag, and she went off. I believe she said something like "Get off my bag. Damn" but I don't really remember. But they just moved one seat down from her and continued to giggle madly, energized by the fact that they had pissed Julie off. For a second I thought that Julie might walk right out of the theater mumbling that "penquins weren't worth this shit" but she stayed and those teen-dorks and thier girlfriends left. After that we figured the lennox owed us a free movie since the penquins sucked and we were harrased, so we snuck into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Dude, the only reason they let Tim Burton continue to make movies is because they're scared of what he might be doing if he wasn't making movies. (PS I stole that line from Best Week Ever)

Is It Worth It? Let Me Work It

2005-09-05T00:53:00.000-04:00

Work is going really well. The first paycheck can always make you like working a little more. I'm still in training and after next week I'll be a nomad without a desk or having to share with some else. Plus as of now I get to be distracted by the techie-nerds who sit near me. I am sorry, but I need to be near guys, not even the ones i think are cute either. I just can't stand to be near all-women, all-day. I have never liked working with women... it's just me. They do nothing but gab about horribly-ugly relationships and whine about every little thing. It is odd how the men are absolutely segregated from the women amoungst the cubicles. Anyway, maybe I will be near nice, helpful women and that will be ok.

I still haven't gotten my permanent schedule yet. I hope it doesn't suck too bad. At least work is like 5 minutes from grandview so once Cara is back we can meet for lunch. Maybe I will go today or tomorrow on my days off and spend some of my first check on some frivilous crap. It's been a while.

Good Morning Starshine, the Earth Says Hello

2005-09-05T00:52:00.000-04:00

Ok so, everyone who knows me, knows I do not enjoy relationships, and I don't even enjoy other people in relationships. Maybe it's the feminism or the patriarchy or just my own body issues. All I know is that I am freaked out by how I am acting lately. At first I blamed it on Julie, but I realized I had gone all weird before she even started dating.

So I have been in it, and working it out, and lightbulb. I'm happier. Graduating and working has made me just feel better, happier. Despite those journals below I haven't been glued to CNN and liberalism. I didn't even know about New Orleans till a like thursday. I think I'm just in a different state of mind, and thinking "hey, maybe this would be fun". A real adult relationship would certainly be new territory.

This feeling is icky though. What true independant-ish, liberal, never-knew-a-good-man kinda girl suddenly is thinking boys are a new terrain I must conquer. Me I guess. When i stare at the nerdy tech boys at work, I feel so wrong...lol. When I go out I do nothing but point and whisper about the chubby guy in the OSU shirt.

This is such a mind-fuck for me. It's not who I've been for 5 years. But maybe it's ok to be this way. Maybe it's normal. Or maybe it is fucked up and I'm turning into the person I always feared. Who knows. Maybe I'll just get some action, satisfy the craving, and get back to being me.

I think the worst part is that, now that I might want someone, there is NO ONE around to be had. My pickyness is still completely intact. Oh where will I ever find a chubby, tall, liberal, who likes movies, and has a kickass sense of humor?

PS Bob is fine. Taiwan got pretty drenched but no big deal according to Bobbert.
PSS Thanks alot Rhenquist, now Bush gets to pick a whole nother crap judge!

On That Note

2005-09-04T12:50:00.000-04:00

As the disaster continues to unfold I have found only one silver lining. Our press finally stopped acting like the absolute pussies they are. Of course it's easy to rake the FEMA director over the coals since he can't keep you out of the white house. This storm was the wrath of God, so it's easier because they don't have to question anyone's motives like in say, a war.

But I am happy to see all of my sunday morning politi-talk shows are filled with hard questions, and anger, and emotion. I think the best thing i saw last night was Celine Dion on Larry King's telethon last night. They had her on to praise her for her 1 million dollar donation but she was speaking clearly through her tears about how she cannot stand to hear anymore excuses about the fucked up way that it took 5 days for the calvary, not to ride in, but gallop lightly. As she said, who cares if those poor people are looting, how on earth can that be anyone's top priority. She went on to say that it would not have taken her million dollars just to buy some water and ship it in. That money will be needed in a month or so when they are rebuilding. But in those first days the only thing that was needed was 1) a goddamn plan and 2) the resorces to execute it. Both of which we had, and neither of which were executed. It is worth asking why?

This morning I saw man on meet the press who was working for the disaster relief, but broke down in anquish explaining how he could not even save his own mother, even when his bosses had alot of power in these operations. He called her and said "they're coming to get you from the nursing home tomorrow" he told her that monday tuesday wednesday and thursday, and on friday morning when they still had not come she drown.

I'm so sick of this Bush bullshit energy policy that allows people to buy fucking hummers. Because of damage our fossil fuels have ALREADY done, our sea level WILL inevitably rise 3 feet. This puts every coastal city at risk, La, Miami, even New York. We cannot reverse this, all we can do is hope we save our cities before the flood comes. Who will build the walls to protect our cities though, when no one in power believes the waters are coming? I don't care what God you believe in, prayer is not a substitute for the work you need to be doing on your own. God has sent his warning, it's your fucking job to build the damn wall. Beyond that, we need to start seeing that we can stop future damage by coming up with new energies that won't melt polar ice caps. Bush has ruined our economy, he has made us hated in the world, he has destroyed our environment as much as any one president can in 8 years, and I truly believe he has changed the life of every American for the worse, unless you are rich and then the constant tax cuts must really be helping you buy that jet fuel for your new plane.

It looks so cute that he was hugging poor black people all day on tv, but I would have rather seen my president screaming at someone in charge, showing the anger/frustration that every other american is feeling at a time like this.

PS If i here one more fucking politician or director of some org or anything say "Well we told them to evacuate" I will absolutely scream. Is it beyond these rich idiots that poor people don't have family to go stay with elsewhere, they don't have SUVs to drive away in, the sick can't just order up an ambulance to drive them to a hospital. Can you think of a single person in power who knows what poor feels like? because I can't.

N'Awlins House of Blues

2005-09-03T00:48:00.000-04:00

I have been under a rock called work, and even though they have CNN on one of our screens at work, I had no idea what insanity was happening in our own country.

First I need to say that American leaders should be absolutely ashamed of themselves for the culture of fear they have created, which has now lead to 1 million people, Americans, who are starving and dehydrated, and actually dying because of rumors that the places aid was needed were "unstable". I don't give a fuck if those people do have guns or are mobbing any aid that comes in. The fucking National Guard are in the guard and not some other branch of service because everyone assumes they won't ever really have to serve. Remember Bush was in the guard. Now the guard won't go into these areas, maybe because they are afraid of some skinny black people who need food and are absolutely going crazy. Deal with it, go in there, it's what we pay you for, wussies.

Speaking of which, lets also face something else. We have all created a fear of black people in general. Bush isn't exactly landing his helicopter on some toppled house in Mississippi, and doing his Texas stance atop a pile of rubble and saying into a bullhorn, "We will rebuild". No, because politicians don't even bother with areas like those during a campaign.

It disgusts me that everyone is scoffing at how crazy these people are going. They're americans, they thought they were safe, and that they lived in the greatest country ever. I would go crazy too if they marooned me with a bunch of other devasted people with no means of survival. What are we barracading them?

Ok so here is my fear. When the Tsunami hit, people everywhere sent so much money to the area that they could never spend it all. I fear that the money needed to rebuild our entire gulf coast will never be collected. People outside america will think "please, it's america, they've got plenty of money already", plus "who would want to rebuild the slums".

My mom has been glued to the tv as a retiree, and told me that everyone hates the FEMA director. After seeing him speak, I understand. He actually said he was having trouble getting paperwork filled out. Is he fucking serious??? How bout you try to play 20 questions with no food for 5 days. And if you can fucking get paper and pens in there, why the hell can't you get them food, water, and medicine. I heard one entire ICU, because of lack of electricity, had peons (PCAs) with no medical training, manually pumping hearts and pumping air into lungs because there were no machines to do it.

I am not a news station and the very little I know was gathered from my mom and from 2 hours of CNN before I passed out. So maybe I have it all wrong. But someone tell me what has gone right since Katrina hit.

All I know is, when we order plain ole new orleans police officers to disregard thier own families to help save people who are stranded on rooftops, thats one thing. But asking them to disregard family, AND disregard saving people, to stop the looting of supermarkets... there is something fucking wrong with all of this. Yeah some people at first saw oppurtunity and stole a tv and some shoes... but after day one the looting was people looking for food, and medicine, and just plain diapers.

God forbid Ohio ever have a really bad blizzard, and the national guard and/or FEMA is called in to help us. Of course we may have an advantage, because ya know, we're white.

PS If anyone hears from Bob please let me know. I haven't heard anything from him since the hurricane hit Taiwan on thursday. I heard it got bad there and I just want to make sure he's ok.

Thanks for Calling Time Warner...Bi-otch

2005-08-28T00:47:00.000-04:00

Well I now have a 3 day weekend... my last weekend off for... well forever. My schedule will most likely be noon to 9 pm with like tuesday and thursday off... or.... noon to 11pm with 3 days like monday, tuesday, and thursday off. Such is the life of the lowest ranking peon. Thankfully there are 16 more newbies coming in next week. Unfortunately because I was hired in a wierd scheduling way, I will recieve 2 to 3 weeks less of actual training time than all the other kids. But I am doing ok despite the lack of direction.

Time Warner is building this gigantoric new center in Grandview (oh how I love the grandview), so for now they aren't sinking any money into the place I work. Which means I have to share a desk with someone else, which is gonna SUCK because I need to be able to put my post-its and little reminders up where I can see them, and I will be so unsettled if I have to clean up after some slob. I can just see myself coming in 1/2 before my shift every time to "prepare" my area. Whatever.

I am hoping that once I get a real desk and a consistant schedule I will calm down and begin writing again. But based on how I am feeling lately I think I should work on my fiction thing. It's a comedy, very very loosely based on the "Quad" from high school. It's really never gonna be shown to anyone, it's more just to get the creative juices flowing. So once work isn't as scary, I'm gonna make myself write for at least an hour a day on it (I hear setting a timer can get you really motivated). I have finished 2 full chapters (they are kinda long) and I have ideas in my head but I have learned not to outline stories before writing them. Things are much funnier when they are written off-the-cuff, for me anyway.

Who Dat Dawg?

2005-08-27T02:44:00.000-04:00

Julie and I had an interesting convo tonight concerning dating. This always happens whenever one of us has a new date. Whats odd is that, whichever one of us is dating, it's usually more than one guy who is interested at one time. 6 months of dry land and then 2 guys at once, like what the hell?

But Julie's recent excursions have forced to re-evaluate my own limited dating life. And I've decided my politics and my book-learnin have made me horribly unattractive. Intellectually my standards are so fuckin high that only a liberal gay man could actually meet them. Now somewhere, while becoming who I am, I also decided that being smart or well read meant that I was attracticve despite my looks. As much as I hate that chubby guys feel they deserve athletic girls... it is just the way it is. I don't have confidence like I did in high school because the more I focused on proving I was smart enough to graduate the less I cared about my outward appearance, and then all this politcal/current event/society obsession changed the chemicals in my brain and made me confrontational to boot.

I wish that there was a guy that could handle me, but sadly (and I no longer blame them) there isn't. No guy should have to be sent through a 20-questions-gauntlet on the first damn date. Going into a date I am literally thinking "Let's see which bar he can't jump, but let's try to make out before you never return his calls, or he never calls back because he's scared".
I am so so angry that people liked me better as a ditzy blonde flag in high school, who truly didn't have many criteria for boyfriends beyond make-out ability. I am so angry that not only do most men prefer thier women of average intelligence but that they also believe that they all deserve a "hottie". I am angry that my own friends bore easily on subjects I like. BUT this is the way it is. I have been resistant and said all these years that I am me, I know who I am, I like me, and I'm not changing. So reluctantly I will begin to sell myself back to vanity, and try to become the things I used to be in addition to the things I am. This is what I must do to ever gain back what I had once.

Honestly I am thinking selling-out will be better. If I finally work off the weight I will flirt more and be less self-concious, and I wouldn't need politics as a social crutch. Right now, when I meet someone new, almost immediatly I feel out where they stand politcally and religously. Maybe it makes me feel superior and therefore I don't feel so bad about the way I look. I don't jump around, or do chinese-fire-drills, or even feel comfortable doing the physical comedy I used to. God I used to tell stories about stupid shit I did and be all over the place.

No one person can just have current events and jon stewart to stand on socially. Maybe it's not a sell-out and more of a growing/well-rounding kinda thing. This cynical liberal in me, that I have grown to love, is nothing more than a shield from pain.

I have more than this inside, it's just gonna be hard to extract the old carefree Amber.
Maybe not just for the men... I should try to change so that this damn journal gets funny again. I used to get the best emails from strangers all over the world telling me how funny I was... now I barely see any response and if I do, it's like "That thing you said about religion was pretty harsh".

If there is one thing I refuse to further compromise, it's my standards for good fun writing. I miss writing jokes, and wordplay, and scenes of ludacrisy.

I have written all this before, so you are bored again and thinking "she's too far gone". But honestly where do i grow from here. There is only so much CNN to watch, and so few Micheal Moore movies to defend.

However I want to make it clear: I am not depressed. Maybe I depress other people or bore them, but I like what i know, and I know what I like. I am the happiest I have been in 5 years. I guess my contentness doesn't make anyone else pee thier pants though anymore, that's why I'm trying to change.

But don't expect any funny journals anytime soon. Changing 5 years of hard work becoming a conversational ass-hole, and emotionally closed-off doesn't change over-night...lol.

Cha - Cha - Changes

2005-08-25T00:43:00.000-04:00

Well Bob has left for his long journey to Taiwan. We might not hear anything from him for weeks before he settles in and signs online.

Last night we planned to meet him at his coffee shop and say goodbye, just like an episode of friends except the majority of the friends were gay...lol. Julie was bringing her new date, and I was under the impression I would be alone for most of the night. I have had a hard work-week. Recently realizing that although I want friends at work, there isn't anyone I connect with. There are no intellectuals, and most everyone is obsessed with dating outside work, plus they are all pretty secure in staying right in the job they already have. Plus they messed up my pay-check and I will be poor for the next two weeks.

BUT I went to Bob's coffee shop anyway, catching a ride with Julie+1. The new guy was very nice and funny, so that wasn't very awkward. And when we got there I immediatly started gabbing with this cool, emo, liberal, non-religous, new, gay guy. We couldn't stop talking and joking. He made a joke saying he wanted to start a t-shirt business, so all night whenever someone made a joke we would make a t-shirt out of it. He has that perfect gay-witty-comedic timing, and cracked me up. He went to the bathroom at one point and Bob said "I always thought he reminded me of a male-you." So my new guy got my number, and how ironic, on the night I welled up that Bob was leaving me, Bob found me a new Will. Hopefully we will see each other again.

I know Bob is only leaving for a year, but really, he's not. He's not coming back. I know him, and I always knew that one day he would leave, and travel, and skip from great-thing to great-thing. He was meant for so many great-things and once his momentum starts he's gonna just shoot for the moon. Thats who he is, thats why people love him. But as for selfish me, I don't want to be minus another friend. Over the years my group grows smaller, and changes. Usually I love change... but Bob was one of the consistants, one of the solids, and now he's gone. As much as I say I don't need anyone but me, I lie, I need Bob. I just hope one day when he enters politics, he hires me as his speech writer so we can travel the country in a big bus that says Cummerlander 2020...lol.

She Works Hard for the Money

2005-08-11T00:41:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have fallen off the face of the earth... at least socially anyway. I started working full time and have grown to love the people at my temp job, but sadly, I have to leave to work at Time Warner on Monday. But's more money and free cable so, give and take I guess.

Due to my shitty temp agency not sending my paycheck on time, my entire paycheck was eaten up by overdraft charges when it finally went through. Then the very next day I had to put my car in the shop because my transmission was gushing fluid.... 600 bucks I don't have for that as well.

Although I have every right to be, I am not sad or depressed or angry. I spent 5 years of college being that way. Yes, it sucks that all my friends have disposable income and really don't understand where I'm coming from. (PS did anyone see that episode of friends when Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey didn't have as much money as the other 3? They didn't even show how the friends worked it out, what the F?)

Anyway, when I'm working I have a million ideas in my head that jot down on scraps of paper... but when I get home, I just want to tune out. I don't read emails often, and I really don't answer the phone. It's just too hard. I could have an awesome 2 hour conversation with someone and then at the end they say "oh let's go here or there..." suddenly my ego is hurt.
I completely understand that my position in life is slowing when everyone elses is speeding up. But I don't feel bad for myself.

Plus I have realized that there are a million interesting people out there, now that working has given me a new kind of social forum. Anyone working where I am is probably highly educated, and yet poor. So we have alot in common. I'm learning alot from new people who want to talk about more than where to eat at lunch.

Okay I'm off to work. It's really sweet, my bosses keep saying things like "Ya know, at time warner, there's no lunch break"... their way of saying "Come on back if you hate that place".
It's insane how happy I am as a worker and how unhappy I was as a student. Although I do miss buying new school supplies.

PS BOB IS LEAVING AUGUST 24th NOW just so everyone kows to bombard him with calls and whatno

Here Come the Men in Black. Document Defenders.

2005-07-06T14:35:00.000-04:00

Today was my first actual, real, full day of adult work. I got up at 5:30 to shower and pack my little lunch. I drove through rush hour traffic. I arrived on time and dressed nicely (in my got-a-job gift from Julie, a white collared shirt ). I took a lunchbreak in my car, and I left at 5pm on the dot, and fought the wiley traffic again. Then I got chinese to congratulate myself on being such a grown-up.

I kid you not. I am stuck in this creepy building, in one room with 12 other people. 12 computers and 12 scanners on tables. I have to sign in every time I enter or leave with the FBI security guys. Because I am actually doing this boring ass job where I scan documents so that they can be seen on a computer database. I had to sign confidentiality forms because the documents are ones that the FBI has seized in several raides on private businesses. I am not allowed to discuss the actual nature of the documents beyond that I guess. They all look pretty boring to me. And absolutely every worker there is pissy, underpaid, uninsured, and despite the FBI presents, many of them openly Bush-hated on breaks...lol.

The guy I shadowed today was very, very nice, but he was a control freak and wouldn't let me touch the computer, so I am behind my other 2 newbie pals who are training. But the job is easy. I worry though because it takes like a quarter tank of gas a day to drive there. Thats not worth 9 bucks an hour. But I shouldn't complain because probably 10 of the 12 other scanning peeps are also college grads except middle-aged!

Mud Slinging. It's Dirty and Socially Diseased.

2005-07-05T14:31:00.000-04:00

Ok I lied, someone did reply to my Dispatch letter, today. I started screaming and pointing and laughing when I saw it because A) I was hysterical that someone twisted my words so blatantly B) All I could think was "That bitch crazy" C) I think she called me racist, laughing is over. I was on the phone with Bob when I saw it, and he got one hell of an ear full.

Here is her rebuttal, word for word, that appeared in the July 5th 2005 edition of the Columbus Dispatch:

Blackwell’s church visit isn’t about tax policy
Tuesday, July 05, 2005 - Columbus Dispatch

I respond to the June 25 letter to the editor "Church must be fair when politicians come to call" from Amber E. Oxyer. Why is it that suddenly a Republican, black candidate for office, such as Ohio Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell, goes to a large, evangelical white church to preach and everyone is all concerned about taxexempt status?

Black preachers and politicians have done this for years because blacks understand that life is not lived compartmentally.

Their faith has encountered racism, poverty, promised economic development that never came, drugs, destruction of families and fathers, welfare dependents that were not given a chance, educational blackmail and all the rest.

It is telling that the only issue that would bother Oxyer would be taxexempt status. Where has she been? Maybe she ought to go to one of the black churches and hear a good sermon.

Rhodara Shreve
Gahanna

I was reading it to Bob and my mom, and Bob started getting all hot and bothered too. He kept saying "Oh you gotta write something back to the Dispatch and let that woman have it". He actually was ranting about calling the DNC (Democratic National Committee), and mass forwarding the letters to liberal outlets... ohmigod. I love that Bob is my biggest supporter as a writer and a liberal. He thinks big, people.

But I calmed down and realized a couple things A) My letter never mentioned race so I should not take offense, B) This woman is playing the race card because she has issues aside from my letter, C) She only attacked me as a person because she couldn't attack my actual argument, and D) I should respect that although she has greatly misspoken, she was being sincere... she believes what she wrote.

I wrote a rebuttal in like 5 minutes. But then I remembered my symbolic logic classes, which was all about the science of arguing effectively. As of now, this woman may have slandered me, but she doesn't actually have a point that relates to my original letter. And if I my rebuttal to her were printed, it would actually give her false statements momentum, and in some people's minds, credibility. So I will just print my statement to her here, where I am allowed to rant.

In response to Rhodara Shreve, I must say that I’m sorry she saw my “separation of church and state” issue as a “race” issue. I never once mentioned race and I did not target Blackwell because he is black. In fact, my original letter proposed that Mike Coleman be invited to speak as a way to show fairness, but his name was edited out.

If you want this to be a race issue then I ask you, Ms Shreve, why are you not outraged that Blackwell did not supply the poor, black communities of Ohio with enough voting booths? His main job was to oversee elections, and during that job he turned his back on black men and women. What makes you think he will fight poverty, drugs, absentee fathers, and inadequate education if he becomes governor? And furthermore, to believe that these issues only affect the black community is wrong as well. If you knew my background you’d know how silly you sound asking “Where has she been?” I didn’t always live in Grove City.

Tax-exempt status is actually one of the last things I care about on my political list. I care about the gap between rich and poor, single mothers, urban decay, job loss, and the welfare of innocent children (whatever color they may be).

My original letter did not attack any race, and didn’t even attack Blackwell as an individual. I did not say that churches should revoke their tax-exempt status if they want to invite politicians to speak. I simply asked that all churches show fairness by inviting several people to speak.

Holla Back, Or Digress, Whatever Works

2005-07-04T14:28:00.000-04:00

Well no one wrote a rebuttal to my article in the Columbus Dispatch. But I have been reading the editorials religiously and a lot of other religious issues are pretty heated amongst readers, like teaching creationism.

A neighbor had seen my article and stopped to tell me that she was a devout Christian and she completely agreed with my opinion. In fact, she said that too much political involvement is the reason she left her last church. So I thought, ah-ha, the reason no one hates me is because either they don't care, or they actually agree.

But someone did write me in the Southwest Messenger. You read it and tell me if she never really answered the question:

Local church does show fairness

I am writing in regards to the letter that Amber Oxyer had in the Southwest Messenger on June 27 regarding the fact that she felt the Nazarene Church should show fairness.

I have been a member there for 35 years and I have never been persuaded by any politician or pastor to vote one way or the other. If Amber was present she would have heard the same message as I heard from Ken Blackwell. It was not a political speech nor a promotional speech. It was a down to earth spiritual speech about how we need to put on the whole armour of God so we can stand against the wiles of the Devil. That is biblical.

I don't think I'm out of line in saying he was invited to fill the pulpit for our worship service not to promote any political party. Because of his Godly example, I would vote for him if he runs for governor of Ohio. She was right when she stated "Sitting in church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage makes you a car." You have to know Jesus Christ personally to be a Christian. Then you have to be willing to walk with him the rest of your life in complete obedience to His will.
Our church is open to anyone who wants to walk inside and worship with us. Maybe Amber would like to do that some Sunday. We would love to have her. We are friendly people and we do show fairness in all things.

Nancy Ford
Grove City

At first I laughed at this woman. I should rephrase that. I laughed at what she wrote because near the end she was preaching at me. At the bottom she was trying to recruit me. And she said that she had "never been persuaded by any politician or pastor to vote one way or the other." but then said, "Because of his Godly example, I would vote for him..."

And somehow when he was keeping poor black people in line for over 14 hours to vote and then throwing out democrat ballots because they were printed on thin paper... I don't think he was asking himself "What would Jesus do?" If he is the Nazarene's version of a "Godly example" then that church has some serious moral issues.

I played with the idea of writing back to this woman, but I will let her have the last word. I am going to assume that my answer to her would fall on deaf ears and a very closed-mind. Even my mother who is constantly trying to get me into a pew was questioning this woman's argument, and pointing out her blatant contradictions.

The letter I wrote had everything to do with politics and nothing to do Christianity. Hers was the complete opposite. Yet another example of how if I'm not Christian, I must be lost in the sauce, and seeking a solace I haven't found yet. Oh lordy, I must be walking amongst the "wiles of the devil." Sorry, lady, I have my own beliefs already. And my beliefs say that I don't care who Blackwell prays to, he's a dirty politician. I have never seen someone behave so rudely as he did when he was questioned about his election tactics right on the Ohio Senate floor.

I think everyone's opinions are absolutely equal, but this woman didn't answer the question. And you'll notice that she claims they are fair but gives no facts to back it up. Had she said, Coleman is speaking next week, I would believe her. But spouting beliefs at me just shows you don't have a leg to stand on.

All Night Long... Part, Karamu, Fiesta, Forever

2005-07-03T14:26:00.000-04:00

I am glad I didn't back out of going to the Hodge trailer because it was a lot of fun. I rode with Julie and Cheryl and we met Cheryl's friends Michelle and Mike there. When we got there we played a lot of badminton and I mean a lot!

Everyone at the park has a go-cart and they are pretty fun. We had an electric one and we took a ride up to the pool and "teen center" area. We made fun of the fact that their foosball table had a ping-pong ball in it.

Then we played more badminton. Everyone else tired out but Cheryl and Michelle kept playing for over an hour straight through. Not that it's a particularly intense game but it was getting too dark to see the birdie.

Me Julie and Mike crammed onto a swing and watched them play. But we got bored and I suggested we make noises like the pro tennis players do. When Cheryl hit I said "hoo-wah" when Michelle hit I said "oy", but Mike took this a step further and started to make sex sounds... Julie caught it on tape (right click and chose "save target as" to play the movie) and it's pretty convincing. The audio kinda sounds like the girl got tired and the guy took over...lol

At one point we heard this honkin duck noise coming slowly up the road behind us and realized it was a drunken man on his go-cart trying to snort duck-calls at the geese in the lake next to us. When he saw us he slurred something that sounded like "I'm so embarrassed, I didn't see you" but he was so busy laughing at himself, I'm sure he didn't care...lol.

Anyhoo we had a big cookout. Took another ride on the go-cart until the battery started to die and Mike actually jumped off and tried to push us.

Michelle and Mike left, and we all went to bed. Thank God, they let me keep the tv on in the main room so I could sleep. After my sleepless night before I would have wailed without a tv on.
The next day we went swimming I and I fried myself to a crisp. We came back later that day and were all gonna head to the Grove City fireworks separately. Turns out Bee got really sick and we waited till the last minute to leave. We had to sit on the giant lawn near the park where the event was, and I missed hanging with my new trailer peeps.

But it honestly worked out because we weren't out very late and I absolutely needed my down time after such a crazy week.

It was weird driving Bee back to her house because we had found this new radio station 93.3 that played upbeat oldies and christmas music mixed all year round. My mom never shows real true outspoken character but with christmas songs and old dance music she let loose. It always upset when other people were embarrassed that their mom danced or sang in public. My mom rarely did things that made her a standout. But even Bee kept giving me the eye when Mom was hitting high notes when The Carpenters came on.

After we dropped off Bee and were on the way home that song "All night long" came on and she was bouncin all around. I was wondering how I should react but at the same time I was really happy that even for a moment she was happy. And happy enough to dance. Even happy enough to keep the car running just to finish out the song. And still happy enough to keep humming once inside the house.

It's hard not to enter the house and feel sad again. Memories ya know. But somehow it makes the sadness lighter. I'm just glad she found that radio station...lol.

So Tired I Couldn't Sleep

2005-07-01T14:25:00.000-04:00

We lost Romy on thursday, and I spent all day friday cleaning the whole house as a small gift to mom for her birthday, then mom promised Bee we would go downtown for Red, White, and Boom. We did but mom and I were a wreck the whole time. I was pissy and mom was staring off in the distance most of the night. When we finally got home I was so exhausted that I couldn't sleep... so I cried, a lot. I cried for 2 hours, which is something I haven't done since my first night in a college dorm 5 years ago. It was a lot of guilt wondering whether we could have saved her if we had had the money for the yearly check-ups. Guilt because I wasted my time and money on a college degree that is actually making it harder for me to get a job.

I also cried because I promised that I would go on a mini-break with Julie's family saturday and I just wanted to stay home, read the newspaper, and get over my sadness.

Around 3:30am I had cried so much that my eyes were basically surrounded by rashes. I woke my mom up and she stayed with me until I stopped crying. Eventually I did stop, eventually I slept.

I'll Be Seeing You, Romy

2005-06-30T14:23:00.000-04:00

Today we got up early to call the vet an make the appointment. They were swamped and couldn't see us till 5pm. We would have waited till friday but that was mom's birthday and that was just wrong. Plus we couldn't even force-feed her anymore, so she was probably in pain.
In retrospect, I am so happy we had that day with her. I know she is just a cat, and we aren't even cat people. But this little scrawny cat showed up six years ago and she's been ours, we were attached.

Six years ago our entire basement got flooded and our carport became a dumping area for all our ruined furniture and carpeting and whatnot until garbage day. Only one night after filling that carport, a herd of stray cats were dropped off nearby by some bastard who was getting rid of them. They all ended up in our old couch. Many left on their own when the remnants were carried away. One we pawned off on a neighbor. And this one tiny, scrawny, emaciated one just stayed as if she had not given us a choice.

Each of us, mom, Denny, and Me all secretly continued to feed and love on her, not telling the others. Until one day Denny and I caught mom holding her, and we all decided, what the hell, bring her inside. When she first came in the house she acted as if she'd never been in one, and she would wander and "roam" around each room for several hours a day, just checking it out. I named her Roman. Then a month later she grew very fat, and her belly looked like it had worms in it... so we changed her name to "Romy".

I kept her only orange kitten "Sage", and Denny kept her two calicos, although I named them "Chaos" (because she was always squirming, aka Katy) and "Pandora" (because she was mysterious, aka Dory). Dear god, we were all horribly allergic and yet we now owned 4 cats. It worked, and we loved them. Mom retired and became and cat lady.

Romy was the sassy one. You could not make her do anything she didn't want to. Julie especially liked her because she is also sassy. Romy couldn't care less if strangers stopped by. She would sit in your lap whenever she felt like it, and turn a deaf ear when she got in trouble. But somehow she was very loving. If you were sick she would sleep next to your bed until you were better. If you were outside she would keep you company on the deck.

Anyway, Denny's cat, Dory, was pretty much sick all her little life, and we spent a month keeping her alive in October, only to put her to sleep. And now less than a year later, we lose Romy, our #1, the momma.

I am happy she spent her last day with us, outside on her porch, with the sun on her back. A week earlier she had snuck behind a cabinet in the basement. A place she never even gone near before. I believe she had gone away to go to sleep permanently. I heard animals go off to die alone. But we pulled her out of there and made her fight whatever disease took her for another week.

But on thursday she was ready, and we couldn't be selfish and make her stay any longer. We let her stay outside all day. Till we looked out and despite her weak little spirit, she made her way to a neighbors yard and cuddled under the breast of a statue lion. I am so glad that I now have this picture to remember her by. She thought she was a lion, I swear...lol.

As the day wore on, mom and me started going off to cry. I printed song lyrics to put in the box with her. I chose the titanic theme to give her from mom, because mom loves Celine and just saw titanic. And I chose "I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places". I know it seems pointless, but words, to me are bigger than monuments.

When we finally got to the vet's. She didn't struggle, she was ready, and I think she was a little gone already. She never liked to be held for very long but she let mom hold her for 20 minutes while we waited. Our vet, who we love, gave her the injection and we stayed in the room to grieve. When we finally left, we saw the vet and the assistant had both gone off to cry in a back room. I can't blame them, you have to have a big heart to work with animals and mom and I were red puffy messes from the moment we came in.

We brought her home, and buried her next to Dory.

Having a Degree Must Mean I'm Stupid

2005-06-29T14:22:00.000-04:00

Well a woman today actually chastised me for having a degree. I went to a cattle call for Time Warner cable. Silly me, I had assumed since I had glowing references, a college degree, and a personal referral from Donnie who has been at Time Warner for 5 years, that I might be a wanted recruit. No.

After waiting for over an hour, in a room with people who didn't even dress business casual, I finally got an interviewer to sit with me. At first she made small talk and we laughed about something. Then she looked at my paperwork and saw that I had a degree, immediately she starting treating me like I was an idiot. She would ask me a loaded question and when I answered just one part at a time she would treat me as if I wasn't fully capable of understanding her complicated questions. This went on for like 10 minutes. Over and over again she put me down. Then at the end, as we were standing up, she honest-to-god said "Why did you get a degree just to apply for a customer service position?"

I am angry that I let that woman hurt me, and shake me... because I answered her question by saying "it was a personal goal I pursued for myself. Now I want to get my foot in the door somewhere and start a career." I lied. She made me feel so inadequate that I lied to please her. She made me put-down my degree. I hated myself... I know that I got my degree so I could get a good job, and it just so happens there aren't any jobs and so I'm begging for jobs at Time Warner. It just happens she hit me a time when I was down.

I was so pissed off... till I got home and mom and i had to make the decision that the next morning we would take Romy to the vet. Then I was just sadder then I can remember. I know life can always get worse, but things were going pretty fast downhill.

My First Letter Ever Got Published... Twice

2005-06-25T14:15:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday I saw a blip in the Southwest Messenger about how Ken Blackwell, Secretary of State, and one of the many shady Ohio politicians, was going to speak during the Sunday sermon tomorrow in a gigantic Grove City church. So I wrote my first Letter to the editor type editorial. I sent it to 3 Grove City papers and the big ole Columbus Dispatch.

I was more hoping that it would inspire one of the actual writers to write about all this seperation of church and state hoopla. I thought I might get published in one of the small papers but then the dispatch called.

So today I was published in both the Columbus Dispatch and the Southwest Messenger. In the Dispatch my letter is on page A11, center middle, and they added a big picture of a church. Here's the full page pic, and here's the close-up view.

The Southwest Messenger is available to Grove City residents in The Bag, which is a fliers type thing they pass out. Here is the scanned pic (pdf file) of that letter to the editor. The ink seemed faded near the edge though.

The scanned photos are pretty hard to read so here is the actual letter.

Church must be fair when politicians come to call
Saturday, June 25, 2005

It was announced in the June 20 Southwest Messenger that Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell will speak at the Grove City Church of the Nazarene on June 26 during the Sunday sermons.

A politician’s use of the church pulpit is nothing new, and is an activity that both Democrats and Republicans have engaged in for years. It surprised me to learn that this practice does not threaten a church’s tax-exempt status and isn’t even controversial.

Yes, the Nazarene is a large place where people can gather easily, but so is the Grove City High School football stadium, which hosted Vice President Dick Cheney last fall.

Obviously, the church sees such a move as a way to promote a candidate without, wink, promoting a candidate. That’s fine. In the past few years, I have stopped being surprised by candidates’ use of loopholes, rule-bending and overall disregard for decency in campaigning.

My questions are not directed at Blackwell or other candidates such as Columbus Mayor Michael B. Coleman; it is toward the churches that host them. Is the aim of hosting a certain candidate to bias a congregation, or to truly educate the community on important issues?

Why is the separation of church and state always seen as a negative liberal idea? Democrats have definitely benefited from using religious forums, as well. The separation is also meant to keep churches from being abused by politicians as a means to align themselves with being moral. It reminds me of the phrase, "Sitting in church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car."

I, for one, respect religion enough to say that I don’t want politicians abusing it.
The so-called cultural war harped on by so many media outlets is serving only to pit neighbors against each other. Large organizations like the Nazarene have a lot of public influence and, therefore, responsibility. If the Nazarene is choosing to enter the political arena, then I believe it has a duty to its congregation as well as its community to show fairness.

I am sure that the Nazarene is aware that by federal-tax law, it must extend an invitation to an opponent to show that it is being fair and not endorsing any one candidate. In essence, the Nazarene has made itself into a political forum that must include competing viewpoints.

AMBER E. OXYER
Grove City

In the Messenger, they cut out the last paragraph, I think because it seemed threatening or something.

It is weird to think that someone was paid to read my letter and edit it's grammer. It's weird to think there may be one whole person who hates my opinion, or one little person who agrees. I would assume the total readership of my news clipping is like 5 people besides the 20 my mom called.

I know that any boob can get a letter published. In fact sometimes I think they pick rather stupid sounding letters in order to promote the assumption that people with that opinion are hot-headed or unintelligent. But who cares.

This is my journey and everyday I get a little more excited about it. The author of Angela's Ashes said he couldn't "find his voice" until he was in his sixties.

Who cares if it takes another 50 years, it feels good to know that I have a passion.
Ironicaly I am hoping that the paper who just published me will hire me for an entry-level classified sales position. Because yesterday I had a very good interview there. But c'mon I've had a million awesome interviews and I'm still waiting for a start-date.

On the heels of my small accomplishment, I go boldly into the temp agency offices Monday, in hopes that an OSU degree is worth something more than a cookie.

Why Do They Always Pick a Pale Token Virgin?

2005-06-22T14:14:00.000-04:00

Since my personal life is so full of nothing but quarter-life angst, I rely heavily on television and tivo to bring a little oomph to my life. Everyone loves a bunch of drunks beating the hell out of each other and hooking up... or do they?

I'm reminded of the phrase "If the music is too loud, you're too old"... Maybe in regards to MTV, if you feel you wasted an hour of your life after watching the new Real World Austin... then you are also too old. I suppose I am, cause I remember Real Worlds Seattle, Boston and New Orleans way too fondly. Every season the casts gets more emaciated, more drunk, more promiscuous, less intelligent, and less interesting. And why is the token virgin always pale and hopped up on a diety of some kind?

The only thing I look forward to anymore concerning RW is the house... I always love the decor in the house. Right now I'm into stripes, and the RW Austin house has a giant wall in retro pink and green stripes.

Good God I miss good tv. No job, friends out of town or working, and no money. I rely on my national stations to give me mind-numbing, all encompassing, programming that makes me forget my life for up to an hour. To the big tv stations, including MTV, I say "You Suck", "You Suck" I say. Except for the new AMC show Celebrity Sharades, very fun. Where I used to want to have a Texas Hold-Em Party, I now want a Running Charades party.

And the Beat Goes On

2005-06-14T14:13:00.000-04:00

Well party business is over and I had a pretty good interview yesterday with a place called RefCheck... where, yes, they do background investigations and reference checking. The girl who interviewed actually graduated with me getting a masters in special ed. Another example of the opportunities available in the buckeye state. The add wanted only college grads so hopefully it pays around 10 at least. We'll see.

I had a long talk with Denny yesterday, 3 hours. It's a full-time job trying to convince him that his friends bring him down, and make him think life sucks and then you die. He's so smart it freaks me out, but no one knows it. It makes me sad. Just like in Good Will Hunting, he learned more from a 1.50$ in late fees at the library than I learned in 5 years of college. He's just better than the life he's living, ya know. Anyhoo he actually really liked my book ideas for the chic lit. He found alot of it really interesting. Seriously, my brother, might read a whole book about single powerful women. Hmm, never can tell can ya?

Me Julie and Cheryl saw Batman last night for the midnight showing. Julie was so bored, I don't think she has ever been that chatty in a movie theater before. I got the church giggles near the end. We like to make fun of Katie Holmes. I hope she didn't learn to smile like that in Ohio, cause our only other celeb, Dave Chappele, has left us to take a spiritual journey in like Zimbabwe with Whitney and Bobby.

We saw that Mr and Mrs Smith movie last week and there is this part where a hired killer lives with his mom, and she made a sudden noise, and the son is holding a gun and all nerve racked and he screams "Mom, we're on high alert. I almost killed you just now. You don't even know". That's my new phrase for now.

I am furiously applying to whatever jobs the dispatch has, including one that read "Very mundane, repetitious, boring job, writing resumes. Must not be social butterfly" Sounds promising! Plus tonight I will be watching a new series featuring Morgan Spurlock (the Super Size Me documentarian), called 30 Days where just like McD's he lives a rather bad lifestyle for 30 Days. Tonight's episode on FX channel, at 10pm is called "Minimum Wage"

Oh the Irony of Baz Lurhman's Sunscreen Speech

2005-06-13T14:07:00.000-04:00

Well I graduated yesterday. Like, What the hell?...lol.

This is a long entry so it's broken into sections of the day... and for the most part it is rather boring...lol.

I would like to say that I don't think I'm a sentimental person or a dramatic person, but I bet people who know me, might secretly sign me up for Dr Phil and Springer. Who knows. But I will say that graduation day is defintely going to be a very important memory. Mostly because I often lose my faith in both approving of myself and in whether others approve of me. Let's say, my insecurity is quieted. I thought this would be just a busy day, not very ritualistic, or even memorable. But it's amazing how on this day, that I fought so hard for, was spent not living in the moment but reminiscing in the past 5 years and before. It seemed like everything I did reminded me of someone, or an event, or an emotion. How I often out down my college years as blah, boring, struggle-ridden, and uneventful. Judging by the flashbacks I had, maybe these years had far more substance than I remembered.

vvvvvvv The 372nd Ohio State University Commencement Ceremony vvvvvvv
Crying, Tripping, Sleeping, and Cell-Phone Abusing

Mom, Denny, Julie, Sandy, Diana, and Diana's new fiance Matt showed up around 11:00 for the big event. Diana brought me coffee and a doughnut. What memories I have of Diana and coffee breaks, so I started the day with memories always flooding my mind. Because there are masses and masses of graduates at OSU in spring, it is tradition to don some kind of crazy shit on your morter board (tasseled hat) so that your family can find you amoungst the sea of black trashbags known as "graduation gowns". It was mom's idea to use fabric tulips because when I was little, "tulip" was one of my many many nick names. I loved my hat even though everyone else thought it was dumb.

It took forever for my peeps to find each other in the stands since they came in seperate cars. I had taken my cell phone with me (thank god), and probably made 10 calls before they even marched us toward to stadium for the processional. Luckily I was in the first group of people to come in, and they stopped our section at the front of the stadium. I called Bee and somehow they found me standing at the front gates. I could kinda see them too. I got off the phone as they marched us into the horshoe, and because of a rehearsal mistep, I reminded myself to watch the fencing next to me as I walked. But I made sure to look up where I had spoted my fam earlier. I saw Bee smiling and waving her program madly to get my attention, and laughed at her because I know she was trying to scream my name over the 35,000 others in attendance. I spotted mom waving a little more timidly next to Bee, and then looked down to watch my step. I looked back up and immediatly spotted Julie and Sandy almost spilling into the aisle, waving and smiling, and I just teared up. I was just absolutely shocked to think that there are people up there rooting for me. They weren't bored in their seats, feeling the sticky heat, and worried about sunscreen. They were standing up, leaning over people, and yelling "there she is" to each other. I cannot say why I am tearing up about it now. They just seemed so happy to be there, excited to see me. I guess when you spend alot of tim feeling like a burden, like an inconvenience, it shocks you to think that people are't just being polite when they say they are proud of you. Just thier actions in those stands showed they are proud in action.

The probelm was that I went into the ugly cry right as I was passing the damn camera guy who was broadcasting us up onto the jumbo-tron scoreboard. Thank god, everyone I know was busy looking at me in line, as opposed to the giant screen.

Alrighty so, we're in the stands. I am bored and alternate phone calls to Bee and Julie during the 45 minute processional. I got off to hear Bill Hall's speech. Julie said she thought he was good, but I am picky about my speeches... it seemed a little dry. But I'll give him credit, he may not be Oprah, but his story is inspirational. Although, both he, and president holbrook mentioned 9-11 several times. I was over that and it turned me off. Any mention of 9-11 lately seems like a cheap ploy to invoke emotion or patriotism, when at this point, most of us have detached ourselves from the whole war situation.

Ok it was maybe 85 degrees during most of this and sticky as all get-out. I am not ashamed to say that I had sweat sliding down my back for most of this hoopla, and was not sitting very ladylike in those stadns trying to get a breeze. It was pretty funny to actually know what all us graduates were doing in the stands. Many left to go buy a pretzel and water. EVERYONE was on their cell phones for the duration of the ceremony. But the funniest was the guy directly in front of me who spent nearly every moment of it asleep. I don't mean a light snooze with an occasioanl head jerk. The cement railing in front of him not only kept him from falling into the stairwell below, it also served as a pillow where he placed his dreadlocks between his face and the stone. He had no qualms about sliding his butt directly into my knees in order to bend over enough to get some good rest on that concrete pillow.

Well after hooding 150 PHDs for like an hour they finally let us leave the stands to collect our diploma and meet our family outside. I called Bee to tell her I was in the first group to go through the diploma tables. Mom said it was funny because Bee kept saying "She's walking up to the tables now" "Ok now she's at table A" "She can see her Dean finding her name" "Hold on she's stopped talking" ... "She's got it" "She's walking out of the stadium now" Bee doing play-by-play is entertainment enough...lol.

Throughout the ceremony Matt took pictures and found me in the crowd a couple times... thanks Matt.

vvvvvvv The Long Journey Home vvvvvvv
Broken Shoe, Bee's Knees, and Zebra Burns

Well I exit the stadium with Bee on the phone telling to go 5 different directions. We get cut off so i just keep walking and miraculously find them outsde the stadium amoungst the other 40,000 standing around... Bee however has been talking to static for 5 minutes thinking I was still ont he line...ohmigod love Bee.

Me being rational assume that the busses are running a normal bus route (like my pamphlet told me)... I stupidly lead my peeps to a bus stop away from the stadium. While crossing a street It felt like gum is stuck to my shoe so I kick my foot to release the gum and instead the whole bottom of my favorite pair of chunky black shoes FALLS OFF. And everyone just kinda stares and then starts laughing. I figure oh well, we're at the bus stop anyway. Then I realize they have blocked the streets and no busses are coming.

I decide that a few of us should go get the cars and then head back to get the others. So mom gives me her shoes so I can treck to the parking lot. Mom (barefoot) and Bee (who's knee was hurting I'm sure) waited in the bus stop. The rest of us kept going. Then I hear from Diana and Mat that the busses to and from the stadium are on a special route and we need to get back to the stadium area. I still don't know why someone didn't stop me from leading them all in the wrong direction. Oh well. Then Bee calls me cell to say that she and mom are going to walk anyway, and she hangs up. What? walk where? and mom has no shoes. Sure enough mom and Bee are waddling along a block behind us. We wait and then walk together toward the buses. I would say my mom was a real trooper with no shoes, and she was, but she actually doesn't mind being barefoot (oh it groses me out). And her shoes were too small and giving me blisters so I wanted us both to put our own shoes back on... she said no... oh lordy.

We fianlly get tot he busses and get on one. Denny somehow got a seat by himself and then began making big eyes at everyone coming onto the bus waiting to see who he would have to sit next to. Deer in headlights kinda. Julie saw this and wanted me to go sit with him but someone else sat down instead. Denny was out of his element that whole day. He even wore a nice blue dress-down shirt for the event.

We leave the mommies back at a buss terminal while we make the final trek through the parking lot. Picked them up and headed home. Once in the air conditioning we realize that through the cloudy day... we had all gotten sunburnt. But me... oh lord.... my hat had left a line across my forhead... I looked like a red striped zebra.

Finally we got home and everyone went back to thier own homes for a little nap, a shower, and some aloe lotion.

At this point I realized the heat had given me razor burn, a sun burn, and exhausion and I seriously was thinin "this party is gonna suck". Me and Denny went to pick up the 2 6-foot subs mom ordered and both agreed that no one is coming to this party and there will be 4 feet of sub left.

vvvvvvv The Party vvvvvvv
Denny, Thoughtfulness, and Cool Kids on the Deck

Let me explain that months ago when mom asked about grad plans, I suggested we just have like 5 people go to the ceremony and then have a short dinner after. Mom began inviting everyone she knew and suddenly she was estimating this "dinner" to cost like 300$. Thats insane. The main reason was because my grandparents couldn't come to the ceremony but wanted to be part of the celebration. Finally we settled on a party at home. The morning of graduation we got a call from grandma saying that my grandpa had fallen down and they needed to stay home. He's ok, but I wish they could have come.

I had barely gotten a shower when my cousin and her two kids arrived. So i quickly got dressed and started setting aout plates and napkins ect. The party started at 6...and as I thought 6:30 and no one else had showed, so I left to blow-dry my hair... then like 10 people showed up. Eventually everyone invited except my grandparents showed up. Probably 50 people came and went.

The party was mostly seperated by friends like the Englands, Hodges, Bob, Cara and Andy all outside of the newly renovated deck with giant canopied tent and twinkle lights. And all the family-like people were inside the house. Mom maned the house and I hid on the deck having fun. Bob entertained with stories of the nut house. Matt reminds everyone of Chris Farley and spent his deck time making funny comments. Marybeth came but poor Jason had pnemonia and stayed home sick.

So I had so much fun during the party. After a few hours Denny asked me to move my car so that he could leave. So I did, and when i got out of the car Denny left his car in the street and ran back up the driveway. I honestly thought he was gonna ask for a favor but instead he said that he wanted to say congratulations and that he was proud of me. I was shocked... he went on saying he knows first hand that in this family high school graduation is even hard, so college graduation is something really great. And then... he hugged me. I was a little dazed... Denny is not either complimentary or affectionate. I'll just say I was touched. Right after that Diana and Matt were leaving I was telling mom about it and Matt heard and said "well he was crying during the graduation"... there was a hush and then everyone went "What?" Matt said, yeah "he was wiping at his eyes." I think either Bee or julie said "Maybe it was sweat?" and Matt said "No I don't think so." And then I cried. And for a second I thought my mom, Bee and Janet (my mom's friend) might cry too.

Anyhoo then the hodges wanted me to open thier gifts before they left. I started to read Julie's card and only got half way through before I teared up again and told her I would have to read it later. I got emotional because it said something about being strong together. Then I got more emotional because her gift was 2 of the Shel Silverstein books. Ya know those poems for kids that are ridicluos. We were in a Barnes and Noble like months ago and I always joke that I didn't have children's books like Dr Suess when I was a kid, my mom only read us bible stories. But when I got to school Shel Silverstein were some of my favorites. So Julie remembered and got them for me. Personally I have a horrible memory, so the fact that she was thoughtful enough to remember and get them for me just meant alot.

My big fear of this party was the dreaded "where ya workin" question. Which of course was asked several times, but surprisingly many people understood completely that ALL jobs are hard to get with a degree or without.

One star of the party was the "hallway of fame". Not only did we spend the weeks prior to the party renovating the backyard we also did the hallway (well I did). I also filled like 20 picture frames and one gigantic collage full of events and people, including many of the people who came to the party. So alot of them found themselves and told funny stories. The funniest was my mom's long-time friends Janet and John, who's granddaughter found a picture of John and said "Poppy you look like a rock star" because we had a picture of him with sunglasses and his top buttons undone, revealing chest-hair...lol.

After all the guests were gone Mom and Bee sat with me and opened cards and gifts. I, once again, was touched, by Andy and Cara's gift because they got me a blank journal with a striped cover. I'm known to collect journals, and have so many that I could never fill them all. Plus I love stripes. And they got me a book called The 10 Women You'll Be Before You're 35, which is awesome because they know I've been reading all about strong single women lately. We were going to clean-up but instead had a wine cooler and called it a night.

vvvvvvv Epiloque vvvvvvv
Endings Feel So Good

Well, it's the end of a large chapter in my life. I am already seeing the world differently. I am, despite my situations, looking forward to the future far more than I expected. I feel like I've proven something... and I feel like in this last day, of that old life, alot of people have shown thier love for me. For the rest of my life, nomatter what I do, or where I go, I will always have this one accomplishment. This one thing that no one expected of me. This one thing that I didn't have confidence in myself enough to believe would happen...

Yet here I am, and there it is. My flowered mortor board and tassel, sitting on top of my Bachelor's degree, on top of my bookcase, in the corner of my childhood bedroom, in my mom's little house, in Grove City Ohio. And here I sit, at my desk, happy to be doing what I love... writing.

Over...

2005-06-09T14:06:00.000-04:00

I officially finished my last final yesterday. On the way there and on the way back I found myself trying to suck up as much of the OSU as I could. I watched the new lane bridge go by at dusk. I laughed at the new college age bus drivers that slam the buses to halts without warning. Realized how many gardeners OSU must employ to keep up the many shrubs and gardens placed in every grassy patch visible. OSU is more a small city at 60,000 students (bigger than GC at 30,000 residents)... and I alwasy did like the city.

It was my last day as a student after 5 years and I wanted to take it in before it was over. Over... sounds weird to say it. I've wanted college to be over for so long and now that it is, I wish I had a little more time. I wish I had more time to look for a job, I wish I had done things differently while choosing classes, I wish I had done an internship. I am really proud but I dread this "real world".

Cara wrote me the other day saying she understood all this crap going on. It's hard to look at your life right now, knowing it's not what you expected, it's not what you wanted it to be, you are not who you want to be....yet anyway. It sucks worse knowing that much of it is beyond your control. You can't control your family issues. You can't control the job market. You can't control hardly anything at the crappy age of 23.

It is true that misery loves company but not in the way that phrase makes it sound. People ebb toward those who can just say "I understand" at hard times. My problems are different from everyone else’s but it's so important to feel that you aren't forgotten... and that even in times that aren't so bright, we belong somewhere. We belong to our friends, occasionally we belong to our families, we belong to our work, we belong to our passions. Life sucks when you belong in none of those places. It's like you're never comfortable anywhere you are, like you don't know when you'll breath again. Lucky for me.... I do have my friends, and that even after 6 months of job searching, bitching, whining, and political chastising... they still listen.

I'll admit that college for me has been one long stint of "blah", kept motivated by the occasional inspiring moment, or indulgent moment, or pee-your-pants-funny moment. Yes, the stints in between can weigh on your soul but those good moments help us surge forward.
Anyhoo I have my 3 final grades in college ever. Art and Music class - A, and Sign Language 4 class - B+, and Women's Studies - A-. I'm going out like a champ.

It’s ok because even without my ducks in a row, even knowing that it’s all down to the wire… I’ve got 50 people coming to a celebration for my graduation, and I’ll be asked 50 times “where ya working?”, and I’ll have no answer … even with all that I do have confidence. I’m a tough cookie, I’ve got an army of supportive friends and family, and I’ve made it through worse times.

Oh Baby Baby It's a Wild World

2005-06-08T14:04:00.000-04:00

Well 10 people voted and the city scene copywriting design won. So I'm going to start adding to it. Although I'm not sure how long I'll get to keep this website... its a pay site... and I may have to cut out alot soon. It all depends. But at least I can keep a journal on any number of free sites... mostly I will miss tivo... ohmigod I will have mini-break-downs without it. Oh well, at least i will be writing more.

Mom is driving me nutz with grad party crap. She's the only person I know who renovates the house for a 4 hour affair where people are gonna wear shorts and tanks because the weather has been hot-ass-hot in Ohio. It may even rain, which means my kiddy cousins are gonna be going through all the stuff in my room cause they're board and can't play outside. At least outside everyone can walk around. Isaac Mizrahi says you should strategically place the food, desert, and drink tables on opposite ends of the party area in order to force people to walk around. We squish all those people into the house and they are all gonna sit and stare at each other like they do at family christmas parties. Does your family do that too? Just stare around hoping someone turns the tv on. I tell ya what... when I (never) have a family... my damn kids are gonna learn to speak like normal social people at the dinner table, just so I can be entertained at parties...lol.
My recent release has been running illegally in Julie's apartment work-out room. We've gone 3 times so far and it's fun. We integrate walking and running on the treadmills that count your calories. Then we do abs work for like 10 minutes then do another 20 minutes of run/walking. But Julie is leaving for vacation so i won't get to go for a while unless I risk getting caught... but no one goes in there anyway.

Jobwise, TimeWarner cable is hiring, and Donnie put in a good word for me. I have learned not to count on things but at least that is out there. I called and put in another like 5 apps today, whatever. At least there is always Taco Bell, and I hear the new longhorn steakhouse is opening near the new Wal-Mart. God I am such white trash...lol. Course Bush would say that there are plenty of opportunities. Look W I went to college... I'm smart enough to know that waitresses and janitors don't have alot of ladder to clime. I so look forward to the day another democrat is in the white house. Everyone will be so happy, and healthy, and wealthy again.... "...a dream is a wish your heart makes..."

I Am the Only One Who Can Carry Me

2005-05-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

Alot happening... Interview went well, job looks awesome, but I'm not banking on anything. Also my good family friend Donnie may be able to get me a job at Time Warner (free cable). Both jobs leave room to move up. I'm working on my copywriting application for a new columbus company, but I've been distracted with last bits of school stuff, and some doctor visits I'll be having next week.

I often worry that because I have been going through so much lately that I am taking from everyone and giving nothing back. I don't tell jokes and funny stories like I used to. I don't act up in public like I used to. And in general, it is probably very hard to be my friend lately. So, to my friends, thank you for picking me up, making me laugh, and dealing with me.... especially to Julie and my mom.

No matter what happens I am really blessed. I have a place to live, and friends, and a couple free passes to the movies. My budget for the next couple years does not involve a new apartment, or trips to fun places, and may not even include the occasional nice restaurant. But I need to say... that I'm happy. I may have hard days that make me sad or angry, but when I come home I will have all I need and a little more.

I don't have to worry about working 2 or 3 jobs to pay my loans as long as I live at home until I move up the career ladder somewhere... and ya know what? That’s ok. I'm 23. I don't have kids or a husband. I don't have a house. If there was ever a time for me to be selfish and fallow my dreams, it's now. Maybe I will one day give up or put off doing what I love for more exciting things, but this is what I want for now.

I should confess that I am horribly jealous of everyone. Of all my friends. Somehow by picking and choosing all the absolute best people to be in my life, I became really blessed to have their friendship, and yet really jealous of how great they are. I can't beat myself up for my circumstances. I made some bad choices, and I've mended my ways... now I'm making things ok. What I won't forgive myself for is giving up on so many things. There are a few things I never gave up on in my life... flags, my mom, Julie, and college. And these things were and are the things I'm most proud of.

It's time to commit to more things, and make them important. I never gave writing a chance. I always told myself I wasn't any good, and who wants to be laughed at? well, maybe I do. I don't care if I write the shittiest crappidy crap book that anyone ever read. I don't care if people don't read past the first page... I need to do it, so that I can know. I believe this time in my life put me here, in my mother's house, with no money... to make me turn to what I love for comfort. I'm being tested. Making myself happy at these times when I should be most envious.

All those philosophers, and scholars, geniuses and yes, even Jesus said that turning your back on the few talents you were born with is sinful... It’s wrong to not pursue it, even if only for a short time.

I am always so proud to speak of these awesome, diverse, successful friends that I have made over the years. Bob, who spent his free time today volunteering to play with kids at a homeless shelter, and then went to an Asian cultural festival, and who one day will be a Psychologist. Cara who worked when she didn’t need to because she wanted to earn things, who runs like 8 friggin miles a day, and then spends hours caring for her horse, and who one day will be a Pharmacist. Andy who works all day and then baby-sits his nephew for free, and who one day will be a Dentist. And Julie who is already a Nurse, who could be spending her disposable income in alot of ways but chooses to better herself with cooking classes and non-fiction books, who spent all day yesterday caring for whiny kids and worried parents, but still gave me a hug when I told her I found a lump in breast, even though she knows everyone gets them. And even my mom who spent her whole life with one goal, finding a good man. Because of me she's painting again, and at age 54 she is only now having pride in her daily work... and it doesn't include men.

Maybe my path to success is different from all of theirs, but it is in me, just like it is in them. Why else would I be so attracted to these people who love me, and encourage me, and would probably be the first people in line to buy my crappidy crap book...lol.

Say a Little Prayer for Me

2005-05-23T14:00:00.000-04:00

If anybody ever reads this, and I know there are a few of you... wish a little wish for me. Tomorrow I go for an interview at a downtown real estate law firm.... SAY WHAT? I know... all this time and finally a tiny glimmer of hope... but I'm not going to think about it, cause after all this I just want to be happy that I got an interview. the job is to be an office assistant, work with attornies and paralegals... so NOT a secretary, hells yeah!. Anyhoo, a little luck would be good.

Also I got my first copywriting job, and it's paid. SAY WHAT? Yep, I get paid 5 bucks a page and around 8 pages for each site. Good pay considering I was willing to work for free, and still am.

Amber City Talent

2005-05-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite teachers told me that Copywriting would be right up my alley... And it looks like I'm gonna be working just to pay the cable bill soon. So I am offering copywriting services for free to businesses, in hopes of creating a portfolio. If you're just a journal reader disregard this new site. If you are a business owner, click the Talent link to the left. If you're my friend you'll click the link below to get my site some traffic. Actual journals coming soon, my pals.

Enter at Your Own Risk, Sucka

2005-05-19T13:57:00.000-04:00

This is just a caution not to read Journal Archive #17 (aka April 2005). I was pretty sad and pissy with the ongoing job search. I took it out on others. So you need not be accompany to my belligerent and angry ramblings. With the exception of "Feet, Sweat, Cigarettes, and Mango" cause that one I wrote immediately and it was ok. We've already discussed this people, if I wait to write an entry, the humor isn't as vacuum fresh... infact it turns to freezer-burned leftovers.

Quirkyalones... Unite

2005-05-19T13:55:00.000-04:00

In my hateful Women's class last week, a grad student gave a mini-lecture for practice and she handed out an article written by Sasha Cagen about a new singleton revolution which she coined the "QuirkyAlones"

I saw she had a book about it and I ordered a cheap one from Amazon... but Julie got ahold of a library copy before me and she really liked it.

Basically it's about people who are really happy being single and independent. They aren't making "finding the one" a priority because well… who needs it? I get sad when I know people are really upset that they went out to a bar looking for lovin' and didn't find any. I know it just ain't right that I really like hanging out with my friends and I don't feel bad when I go to family functions without someone to talk about, nor do I care about not filling that "plus one" attached to wedding invitations. Nope, I refuse to rate my social life based on how many dates I've had in the shortest amount of time.

Yeah everyone wants to find their soulmate but most people are so worried about the social stigma attached to being single, that they get attach to whoever hits on them first. All those people say that relationships are hard work... doesn't anyone else see the problem with that statement? A couple wouldn't be healthy if they didn't have arguments, but if being in a couple is the job it seems to be for most people, then I don't want it anywhere near me.

A lover is something you should want not need. People need food, but taking a cooking class is a fun hobby. People need shelter but fixing up a new house is good for fun. People need a career, but working for free is called volunteering. I hate to say that having a significant other is the equivalent of a hobby, just fun, or charity but... My point is that, if you aren't happy all by yourself, relying on someone else to change your attitude about life is just screwed up.

Why is it so odd that, especially women, who are just living their lives, approaching the opposite sex as a friend, not a possibility, is considered so taboo?

Anyway I have been researching this new group of singletons, and found some very interesting info. Did you know that the Issue #1 that 11 states passed based on stopping same-sex marriages also further penalized singles? I didn't. Did you know women who never marry, have lower stress levels and higher self-esteem? Did you know that there are new bills being written which would say marriage is only a religious ceremony and all couples straight, and gay would need to be Civilly United in order to get legal benefits?

There is a quiet minority storm a brewing and I for one am pretty excited... if only for the tax breaks and lower car insurance.

Feet, Sweat, Cigerettes, and Mango

2005-04-20T13:54:00.000-04:00

Savion Glover is an awesome dancer and Whitney Houston is an awesome singer, but if Whitney held out one note for like 30 minutes... we would all be bored. Savion's show Improvography came to the Wexner Center on campus and Julie and I met a bunch of her dance group there to see the famous tap-dancer. Um, yeah... for one whole hour Mr Glover tapped on a small stage accompanied by one drummer, one piano-man, one sax, and I think a flute at some point. I like tap-dancing but c'mon. One hour long song that probably amounted to a decent jam session by a high school jazz band. (and I would know, because all we ever saw in high school were bands, including so-called "jam sessions" before and after band recitals).

When I was at Ohio Northern working in the radio station, I was a newbie-peon, so I had to work the daytime Jazz-only format. BORING. The only thing I ever got to play for the peeps was the occasional Sade or Louis Armstrong. So yeah, I was really hating the Jazzyness. Savion is a good dancer but I was completely distracted by several things. Savon's shirt was slowly becoming drenched from the shoulders down with sweat. At one point I turned to Julie and said "I bet this first act is over only when Savion's shirt becomes completely soaked." Now of'course he's gonna sweat that much when the entire show is just him up there being the sole performer. I'm just saying... It was distracting.

Distraction # 2 - Feet. Wendy the danc teacher pretty much bought an entire section for her dance kids... well all the little girls dressed up, which is cute... accept the girl behind us had some powerful foot odor. Everytime she would play with her sandals and flip them around or take them off, this god-awful smell would be released right near my hair. Scary! I love my hair, and I'm scared of feet. I know she can't control her foot odor but when she gets older and someone tells her out in public that "damn that stinks" she'll learn to keep her shoes on, just like I have. I'm just saying... It was distracting.

Distractions # 3 & 4 - Now I've heard that people who are pregnant have a hieghtened sense of smell, but we all know I'm not. When Savion's shirt was almost completely drenched (he had a couple inches near the bottom) they called intermission. Someone near me, smoked during the intermission, I won't name names, but when they came back they thought they would try to cover it up with some kinda gigantic wad of bubblicious gum smellin like mangos. Dear god, feet, ciggerretes, and mango... all creating a symphony of smells... and thats when the show got good. Savion brought out 3 other dancers and finally had some good music and choreography... for about 15 minutes, then it was back to the damn jammy-jam session and Savion wingin it.

At least it was fun to take the bus and run across campus to try and make it to the show on time, with Julie saying things like "Look at all the runners. OSU people are so active, that ain't right".
PS Happy 24th B-day to Julie

Slick Susan, Who-Dun-It?

2005-04-16T13:52:00.000-04:00

For Julie's birthday her family attended a mystery dinner, and they invited me.
When we were seated a man dressed in godfather pimp attire came to our table. It was probably because I was closest to the aisle but he got close enough to breathe one me, call me babe or something and

Called Julie Doll

Two guys in tutu's

Two pieces of cheesecake.

Julie's b-day

Julie solves the crime.

Jesus Liked Mary, Why Can't You?

2005-04-14T13:51:00.000-04:00

Yeah there was this special evening of television recently that I absolutely have to talk about. We all are completely aware that every newspaper and television station is owned by one of 3 huge entities all of which are rich and therefore conservativish... but c'mon.
There was a special about the book The Davinci Code, which was to be fallowed by a new show called Revelations which is about the bible's depiction of the end of the world. I thought, cool, they are catering to both sides of the American public by showing one show that questions the bible and one that glorifies it... HELL NO... I can't believe I am still that trusting in the media being fair and balanced.

The Davinci Code is a book that is fiction but discusses many many things that religous scholars have questioned... mostly the way the books written by fallowers of Jesus and others were cut and pasted to become the Bible many centuries after Jesus' death. Basically many believe that the men who did the cutting, cut out that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalen. But why did they cut her out? Because a society where men ruled and wanted to continue to rule did not want people to know that the almighty jesus might have revered a woman as his closest consultant and refuge during his lifetime. He was surrounded by 12 men, and he chose a woman to be at his right side. Women and power don't mix, so she was cut out. Anyhoo... the whole Davinci Code Revealed show basically said... you stupids, that book is crap, and how dare anyone question the church. I was pissed but not surprised they would use prime time to stop the masses from questioning religion.

Then the Revelations show began. The first thing they show is a Scientist explaining how science may show that the 10 plagues of Eqypt were nature, not God's wrath. Then they use the rest of the series turning this non-believer/scientist into a christian by having satanists kidnap and murder his kids, while a nun teaches him the ways of the faithful. To be truthful I love end-of-the-world movies but it makes me mad that the point of the show is to keep telling this guy science is wrong, and he needs to convert. Plus this Davinci Code got one show and this Revelations show got an entire series. I do respect christianity, just as I respect all religions... but I am damn sick of this cult-like movement to go preach and convert your friends and neighbors. That scientist has his own beliefs, let him be.

Joan of Arcadia is one of my favorite shows. Gos talks to Joan without ever saying, read the Bible, got to church, accept christ as your savior. No. It's arrogant of christians to believe that God only speaks to them, and that someone like me, who is very religious, and prays to God alone, is just a sad sad somebody because I refuse to let the jesus freak come out.

A Few More Thoughts on Not Being Christian

2005-04-12T13:48:00.000-04:00

If you are a tolerant christian please know this isn't about you.
(Which is pretty much everyone I know.)

Sorry I'm bitter about this right now. It's hard for me. Everyday I hear of some new bill being passed to make the rich richer, and the poor poorer. To let the sick with no money die because no one cares, yet waste time and media attention trying to protect a brain dead woman from gaining peace. Every environmental protection law is being changed and backpeddled because everyone in power believes the rapture is coming and we don't need to save the earth. They want every baby to be born but once they are here they will let them starve to death, live in sqwaler, and never be loved. There are billboards on campus of aborted fetuses but you never see pictures of abused children, fetal alcohol syndrome children, crack addicted children, raped children. Fetuses who are unwanted from conception will continue to be unwanted as children... but no one sees that or cares. Our president literaly bars himself from meeting the people he hurts. He has never been to a soldiers funeral. He has not allowed a liberal into a town hall meeting. He lied to start a war his father couldn't finish, and continued it, even though his own American people were, and are, suffering. Then he throws elaborate banquets to say "yay, the economy is doing so good". I feel alone, but I'm not. 48% of this country voted against him, but we are unseen, unwanted, ignored. It's hard.

PBS is the only station owned by the public. It doesn't surprise me, I heard someone is trying to take that as well. All because a children's documentary show lets kids see how different people live. A muslim family, an interacial family, a new york family... this show was already toeing a line, but they overstepped when they documented a lesbian family. And now those horrible liberal bastards must be stopped. We are degenerates, deviants, and satan's devices... What they're saying in public is bad enough, so I have to wonder what kind of hate is thrown around in private.

I am very sad. I used to think I knew alot of really great christian people, I think I still know a few good ones, but lately people I've known my entire life are turning into radicals as well. Fanaticism is becoming normal sentiment, and people who were once tolerant of others aren't. My own mother, and Bee, and others have actually been laying subtle hints about going to church and finding a man. America's new hobby is chasing the wondering sheep, converting all of us lost souls. I am past the stage of shock.... past the stage of anger... I am now just sad. Broken-hearted that because I am not a sheep-skinned fallower, I am souless and doomed.
I have made my fair share of jokes about bible-thumping, and they ave made thier jokes about seculars. It's not funny anymore. It's not a small sect of crazies... they are promoting a cultural war, and they are winning. I told my mother recently that I will never chose one religion because I believe all religions are simply different paths to get to God (whatever you call him). Religion is the vessel that gets you to God, once you have crossed the river, you don't need the boat anymore. My mother was shocked that I put christianity alongside Buddhism or being Jewish. She was disturbed even.

I'm so sick of being alone in this when I know there are others like me, who are too tired to fight this monster. So we all just sit back, pout, cry, pray, and stop talking about it, hoping one day it will change.

I don't want to be so angry with the christians, with the repubilcans, with the conservatives. My closest friends are a healthy mixture of all views and backgrounds. Personally, I don't look down on anyone else, but in the most publicized ways I am put down. I don't think christians are less than me, but many believe I am below them. They fear people outside the box, and they wouldn't have to if they spoke with us. Realized were are humans, and yes, good people, who want to be considered equal to you. What does it say when our own President gives a press conference where he has to remind everyone that non-christians are just as capable of being patriotic as a good christian american?

I saw a button the other day that said "Dear God, Save Me From Your Fallowers"
How true.

Date with a Bush Fan

2005-04-10T13:41:00.000-04:00

While at the Cup-O-Joe, my favorite overpriced coffee joint with Bob, I met a guy. Cute and all, nice and what-not. He called, we went out... I did not know he was, dunt, dunt, duh, a republican.

We went out to dinner that weekend and the conversation was good but we disagreed on everything. He was well schooled in republican values from the many daytime radio talk he listened to, and he never once quoted the Bible. But damn it got absolutely tiring to be defending points of view all night that to me just seem to be logical, and humane.
But I did learn a few good lessons from my dinner with a conservative. Most importantly the reason for everything behind being one or the other. If you say to yourself "If the founding fathers new what we allow today, they would roll over in thier graves" then your a conservative. But if you say "In 50 years we are going to be so ashamed of the things we imposed on people" then you're a liberal. Personally I have always been appauled that in 1966 different races were not allowed to marry.

Oh well... and no we didn't call each for a second date....lol.

Feminine Mystique or Pointless Rhetoric

2005-03-28T04:11:00.000-05:00

Ok today was the first day back in classes... for the last time. I gotta say I never payed attention to when the profs always asked "Who's a graduating senior?" But today it was pretty cool to raise my hand.

I have to say (This is my journal so just deal with it) girls are delusional. I started my Women's Studies class and already I know, only the guys are gonna be my friends. The Teach asked us to list feminine and masculine qualities. Masculine was listed first and one of the 6 men (vs 30 women in the class) said "intelligence". The girl who was jotting the answers on the board conveniently didn't write that one down. Of course she didn't! Intelligence has nothing to do with having a penis. But felt bad, because most of the male characteristics were negative, or had this undertone of how women rely on men. But I didn't speak.

Then they listed the feminine stuff and all the women exploded with great things to say like driven, independant, capable, loving. These are all great and I do believe there are women who posess these qualities... but yeah, so do men, and once again they have nothing to do with owning a vagina. I was sick of this room full of little girls acting like women are without fault. Don't get me wrong, we do need to build women up, and promote equality, but it's just wrong to assume all these qualities they were saying are not apparent in both sexes. So finally I said "Catty" as a feminine characteristic. And they all actually hissed at me. Hissed. What the F? We all know women are catty. Do I need to take an internet survey? Cause I will, bitch, don't test me!...lol. Course after I said that, people timidly began to say things like over-dramatic, emotional, and confrontational. It sucks to be a trendsetter!

Honeslty, it's a lower level class and there alot of freshman there, so it's obvious they haven't experienced alot yet, and they have that peppy eveything-is-cool-in-my-world attitude. Well I can say that I have witnessed very very very few relationships where the girl is actually in a good relationship while maintaining her own identity. Girls are almost always one of the fallowing:
A) Obsessed with her boyfriend's whereabouts (ie; calling all the time, and interrigating him)
B) Bugging her man to think of marriage
C) So attached to her boyfriend that she neglects friends.
D) So attached that she is completely uncomfortable being by herself, even for one evening. OR
E) She's so attached that she allows her boyfriend to abuse her (physically or emotionally)
I actually once knew a girl who had 4/5 issues (poor guy). I can probably say that Marybeth and Jason have the best relationship I've seen. Marybeth is still everything she was before, and she's adult about it all, Plus Jason is the best kind of guy. He drives her friends home when they're drunk (ie: b-day bar night 04). And he doesn't mind when MB wants to hang out with friends.

It really isn't a toss up anymore. For those of you who think "I'm lonely, you're lonely, let's hook up", Stop it. Thats dumb. Yes I'm going to advocate a book here, called "He's Just Not That Into You". Ladies, read it! I promise something will click. If he's not into you, it's not worth pursuing... and thats ok. But don't waste the pretty on whoever comes along. And for the gals that have found "the one" good for you! I'm happy for you, because one day I hope to find my guy too, but please don't latch onto him so hard that he (and you) aren't individuals in love, but instead you're just this thing. You become the "we", and lose the "you". Whats that worth if one day it's over, and all you're left with is no man, no friends, and no identity.

Now... disrequard everything I have just written because I've never allowed myself to trully love someone, therefore I do not understand the intoxication love brings, and I therefore have no right to judge you.

I picked on women, now it's the men's turn. Maybe you should read that book too, mens. Because those of us women who have known the "click" are realizing, we don't want ho-hum relationships. If you don't like us after the first date, cool, you're not into me (and the visa-versa situation). Now also, I just have to say to men... watch all the tv you want, we all love the tivo. But please realize only 5% of the women in America are even capable of having the body type shown in most tv shows. If you're lookin like Kevin James from Hitch please do not shoot for the supermodel types. It's delusional and it's just not right. Whenever I pick out a guy in the crowd and show my friends they are always saying to me "Are you kidding? How low is your self-esteem really?" But if all the average joes are going after the 5% girl, then most of them are going home alone to wet dreams, and the average girls leave the bar thinking they aren't beautiful enough. Maybe this is why I like older guys, I think age 25-26 is a "click" age for men, and they come to realize that the 5% girl wants a 5% guy. But don't be sad... she was after your wallet anyway... Just Kidding, the 5% girls make plenty of their own money.

Anyway, hopefully I'll find something that passes as an internship and then I can drop this women's class, cause I was hoping to hear about suffrage, working mothers, and pay discrepencies. But if all I'm gonna here is 15 year olds saying "Girls Rule and Boys Drool" then I want out

What's Your Sign? - It's Dork, Thanks for Asking

2005-03-27T03:11:00.000-05:00

I should preface this journal by saying that Julie and I have tried quite a few times now to get into this mating ritual known as The Bar Scene, but to no avail. I completely recognize that this is our own fault. We are hockey game, lennox movie goer, coffee house, no-dress-wearin' kinda girls. We are 23 but we still have the humor of 16 year olds, and I like that about us. But when people say (as I have) that they are "not into the bar scene"... I'm going to go ahead and guess that, just like me, it's not because it's "old" or something, it's because they are fools who can't act right. Just like me. I am the worst a-typical kind of girl in bar settings. I will now allow you to witness a bar night with me and Julie.

First we get there and can't decide wether to take the jacket or leave it. You could just wear it in but then it's awkward finding a place for it when you're at a bar stool. Then again, it's cold on that sprint from the car to the door, so you risk THO, and the kind of guys that attracts aren't the kind we want. So riddle me this, Jacket or no?

Ok so we get inside. Now I damn well know the entrance is where guys are checking out all the eye-candy coming aboard for a night of alcohol and flirting. I would think they're under the assumption that they should be the first to approach you if they think someone else might try. So I suppose this is where me and Julie, should pull in the stomach, push out the boobs, and smile big for the gentlemen callers... BUT NO the staring is scary. What if they come up to us? What do we say? Thats too much pressure. Those dirty men are looking at us... how innnapropriate. So what do we do? We keep our heads bowed and eyes averted while wispering to each other "you wanna go downstairs where it's not so crowded?"...lol. Now explain to me how I should change this entrance stratedgy so we don't come off as lesbians, please?

Ok, we head downstairs to the basement area of Brazenhead. We find a table or bar stools where people won't be likely to brush against us (cause eww) , and take a seat. Hopefully we left the jackets in the car so we aren't looking for places to put them. Then the dreaded alcoholic drink ordering takes place. Dear God. Julie never speaks during this part, and when I do speak I get this valley-girl, ohmigod, kinda voice while actually hearing myself say to the hottie bartender "Do you have like, and fruity shots?" and sometimes they give me a blankish stare to which I add "You know, like, a shot with some kind of juice in it?". Usually the barhop realizes we aren't cool, so he always says "Uh, I guess maybe a Purple Hooter". So we order two and yes, right there in front of a crowd with an average age of 27, we clink our shots together and drink them as if they were real liquor. It's not over, because after that we always say... well I always say... could we also get 2 amaretto sours. This is our favorite drink but sometimes it's embarrasing to have a cherry and an umbrella, or a fruit wedge in your drink. (At least we aren't still asking for virgin daquaris everyone we go.) So, valley-girl issue three... if you know the proper drink to be consumed, and the language that should be used while ordering, please email me at amber@ambercity.org

Alrighty then, we have our drinks and we head back to our secluded seats where no one is lible to touch us. If for some reason a guy or couple of guys looks our way (he probably only did that because he just walked in and didn't witness us being idiots at the bar) then I assume a girl should smile or make a little eye contact, nothing much. But, thats right, what do Julie and I do? Example conversation:
Amber - "Ohmigod that guy just looked at me"
Julie - "Which one?"
Amber - "The one at the bar, with the blue shirt and baseball cap"
Julie - (Turns to look right at the guy) "He's ok, and he's got a friend thats tall for me"
Together we laugh - Hee Hee Hee
... but now the guy has realized that we are talking about him, and laughing... Oh lord, we just unintentionaly crapped on his self esteem. Plus I forgot to smile, so he's positive I want nothing to do with him. So this is the situation whenever any guy looks at either me or Julie. And at some point after we laugh at him, I think to myself, "holy crap, please don't let that guy come over here and try to talk to me". Cause I know for sure if he did I would trip over myself acting like a proper fool, and Julie probably wouldn't say anything at first leading him to believe he's unwelcome. Step 4 of 12, God grant us the strength to accept that we are pick-up challenged. And tell me how to send better signals for god's sake.

And that concludes a night out on the Hangin With Amber Show
(guest starring Julie Hodge of the Dirty Nurse Chronicles)

Anyhoo, we've met guys from class, or friends, but it's obvious we just don't get past that Stranger Danger thing they taught us in elementary school. Example, we recently went to a playoff game for OSU Men's Hockey. Immediatly we were excited because we were surrounded by men, infact one entire section next to us was filled, top to bottom, with the hunky mens our age. We stared alot, especially at this one guy, whom we pet-named "the metrosexual". Eventually some of the guys started looking our way... what did we do? Nuttin. Infact at one point Julie turned to me and said "hey, the metrosexual just made eye contact with me"... so i looked over at him and noticed he got up and left, and my smart mouth said too quickly "Is that why he left?". I know I sound like such the bitch but we both laughed for like 5 minutes because we both know we're retarded at flirting with strangers. Believe me I apologized profusely, plus everyone knows Julie is hot, and that guy probably just left to pee.

So explain to me how to meet new frickin people. I am lookin for fresh blood in the mixture but I'm absolutely retarded at this dating game crapola.

I will completely admit that on a boring night at Ohio Northern 5 years ago, I, along with several girls from the dorm, posted a profile of myself on a matching site. I will admit that we spent alot of time that night making fun of people's profiles. Like guys who would actually post pictures of themselves with a girl hanging on him... seriously how is that appealing to new girls? Or we would laugh at some guy saying "yo yo yo girl, I wanna hook up wit you, damn, I hope you got a big fine ass...etc etc". but after making fun, you realize there a couple seemingly normal guys on there. But meeting people online is still not kosher and I really wouldn't know how to address the question "so where did you meet?". Truly, has it come to this for us? We can't figure out how to act like sexy, becoming, young ladies enough to attract a good one, so we use our computers. Instead of looking cute and flirting within touching distance, we're wearing a pore clensing mask and a scrunchie in front of the computer screen. Yet somehow, I would dread saying "yeah we met at a bar" as well. I'm so confused on what's acceptable anymore. Maybe I concentrate too much on making my love life too by-the-book acceptable. Maybe thats the reason there is no love life to speak of.

I've made it clear that I don't need a man to be happy. I don't need a man to take care of me. I don't need a man to feel that my life is acceptable. But sometimes the thought of having a guy around, on top of all that I have, seems like a nice idea. What happened to the good ole high school days when ya dropped one and picked up another guy almost immediatly? Easy dating, where have you gone?

Printer/Scanner/Copier/Fax... C'mon People!

2005-03-23T02:06:00.000-05:00

Can I just say how much I hate technology. Normaly I love it, but recently I wanted to buy a new printer. They don't make printer's anymore. They make printer/scanner/faxier/copiers. I figured my scanner kinda sucks, so why not. Accept I have now spent almost 3 days of my spring break hoping my computer doesn't die from being overloaded with excess JUNK included in the software packaging of my HP PSC 1350 All-In-One. I'm not stupid, I know in the end I will have to break down and get another computer, thats why software companies want to overload your computer, cause then you have to buy new shit. I had a shitty ass car and I didn't want to get a new one then either. But c'mon... loading my computer with so much crap that it crashes almost 10 times now. I'm pissed. If you don't see me for a while, it's because I was sent to jail for lude conduct in a staples store while returning a product.

Columbus, Ohio Breeds Greenlights

2005-03-16T01:14:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to make this entry look pretty yet because I have one more final to study for tomorrow, it is 3am, and I'm beat. But I decided to watch my tivo'd project greenlight (the first show of season 3), and immediatly I wanted to write this journal.

Within the first 5 minutes that they were discussing scripts, they showed Rick Carr for writing a script called "Does Anybody Remember When Hanz Gubenstein Invented Time Travel"... and he was from Columbus Ohio. I had this really strange feeling like I had seen that name before, so I paused the show and did an internet search and only found like 2 articles written about him. I was really unsettled because I had this feeling like maybe he was on a emailing list I belonged to... anyway I turned the show back on and basically his script won over everyone but the damn execs of the studio picked the script that everyone thought was just ok, simply because it would be easier to market.

I don't know why I'm writing this, but if I ever were to have the balls to submit a screenplay to Greenlight, I'd be sure to include the fact that Season 2 winner Erica was from columbus, and the rightful winner of season 3 is from columbus... so it must be in the water. I always knew there was a reason I liked it here. PS if you want to read Rick Carr's script click here. Should I post a script on here and solicite feedback?

You're My Disco, Playin on the Radio...

2005-03-09T00:07:00.000-05:00

All day I've had this song in my head by Fischerspooner called "You're My Disco"... it's one of those repetitive trance beat songs that you would normally only hear at Axis or on the soundtrack of Party Monster where I got it. But songs like this can totally make me see how raver kids can dance from 11-4 and not notice. It literally puts you in this trance where nothing else exists. All day I've been hearing this song and picturing myself drowning in a crowd of neon lit bodies bouncing in unison. Too bad I have not gone hardcore clubbing in years, and probably won't go anytime soon.

Finals have commenced, my friends. I woke dreading today and beating myself up for the million things I do wrong that no one finds out about. But the day went better than expected. In Sociology of Media class I found out that the teacher is letting us opt to change the weight of our paper and our final. I don't know what my grade on my paper is so i went to see what inkling I could get from a convo with the grader... and she said she hadn't read any papers but remembered mine already because she really liked the title "You're Everything a Big Bad Wolf Could Want" How the Media Portrays Victimization of Women as Normal, Fear as Necessary, and Violent Women as Deviant. The paper is about how women are depicted in the media as victims, men as victimizers, and how women are made to feel constantly on guard yet uncapable. Anyway Leeda the grader has liked me since her quarter as my TA in statistics, so I'm going to weight my paper at 45% and my final at 15%. Later tonight I was talking to Bob and telling him how good I felt and he said "see, you need to be a writer". I love my Bobby. To me there's no higher compliment than someone calling me a writer.

Anyhoo, I also had the 1st of two finals for my ASL class. I didn't feel prepared and I know I missed certain things but afterward I went to ask teach about some things and she was like "honeslty you don't have to worry about it, you've done so well in the class". At first I thought she just had me mixed up with someone but I also asked her how long I could procrastinate on one last mini-assignment and she said "I wouldn't worry about it if you don't get it done, you don't need the points". So i guess everyone else has way more confidence in me than I do... which is probably really true, but who cares it was happy-trance day.

I got home, and got all ready for aerobics class only to get there and realize they don't have class at 7 on tuesdays, but oh well. I came home and I have been reading all night. No tv, can you believe it? I turned it on once, looked over at John Stewart, who I love, and actually thought "the shows I watch are so damn loud and distractive". I honestly know my life would be greatly improved if I only allowed myself 2 hours of tv a day. I would read and retain more. I would get all my school work done way before it was due. I would be less distracted. But ya know what, tv is my escape, just like it is for everone else,a dn it's just not good for you to sit around thinkin all the time either...lol

It's Just a Simple Kind of Lovely

2005-02-10T02:29:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna tell you a simple dumb story that will leave you going "huh?" But one that for me meant alot.

Yesterday I was sitting on the shuttle back to my car at the end of an ok day. I recieved 2 of my 3 midterms back (both B's so that was ok), and I had gotten my Sign Lnaguage project out of the way. My performance was weaker than I liked but I'm still a better speaker than most college kids, so again, whatever. My last class was a review for my last midterm on Thursday, which went easier than I assumed, so good for me.

Anyway I was tucked into a corner seat on the bus when it pulled up to one of it's usual stops, and as it was passing the line of tired students waiting to board I saw a guy. He wasn't plain, and my first thought was that he looked like Mr Big from Sex in the City. I liked his pea coat and his worn loafers as he entered. He was like me, dressed a little too outgoing for some tuesday classes with sweat-shirted teens. I couldn't stop looking at him. Maybe it was the Maroon 5 song on my MP3 player (normally I hate well-produced pop music mind you) but I looked at that guy, and heard "I won't worry my life away". The guy smiled like he was thinking of an inside joke, and I don't know why, but I smiled and couldn't stop. Maybe the crazy had gotten to me between midterms, but I was so happy in that moment. And I knew it would be one of those moments I wouldn't forget. And I remember thinking to myself "It's all happening"

I thought of my interview with one of the most powerful lawers in Ohio (Deputy Attorney General James Barnes), and even knowing I would not get the internship, I smiled because it happened. I smiled because I was even in that office. I told myself all along that i had it in me, and if I didn't have it, I would fight to get it. I was there. I was in the office with the suits and held my own. On that bus, with this guy, neither of us fitting in, I knew it was finally starting... my life.

Yes it's mellow-dramatic and cliche. My personal light bulb moment matters to me, and I want to write it down and remember it in the near future when something gets me down.
Ok moment over... Now specifics. No, you would not have thought that guy was hot, but I did. No one gets my taste in men anyway. And ya know what, he never saw me. I'll never see him again, I'm sure, and thats fine with me... He served his purpose in my life already, and beyond that, it was one of the first times in my life I ever thought to myself "his loss" and actually believed it.

It's a New Dawn, New Day, It's a New Life for Me

2005-02-08T01:55:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm just now writing about my interview with the Attorney General's Office last wednesday. It went really well, but I know that stakes were high and competition fierce. I was never born to stand out in a crowd. But just the experience was great. Being downtown again made me so happy. I truly believe that when things were the absolute worst in my life, going to school downtown at Columbus State was my saving grace. The drive in, the walk to class, walking to the Museum on breaks, and smelling that bread factory on my way home. Heaven.
Anyway, all the attorneys were in a meeting so my interview started about 10 minutes late. As I waited in thier cherry-wood, scarlet-couched area, I noticed that the attorneys (dressed noticeable better than the paralegals and secretaries) were all very nice and many said hello to me just because I was waiting, not knowing if I was a client or what. However, all the underlings (of which I was applying to be the lowest on the totem pole) were all looking at me like I was trouble. Maybe it was because I cared enough to dress nicer than them, or the blonde hair. I couldn't say, all I know is they were not nice. THEN, oh dear god, this woman, maybe a secretary, was wearing faded black strech pants that were tapered mid-calf, leaving 2 good inches of whiteness between them and her white reeboks with white socks. I kid you not. Then she had a giant redish hanes t-shirt, and a scrunchie. And for 15 minutes all that woman did was walk around the office gossiping loud enough to hear, and each time she walked by my area she was holding some new kind of food. C'mon, that can't be acceptable. I dressed up because I truly believe you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Even if I dressed as a college student it wouldn't be that bad. Now maybe she doesn't have much money, or maybe she just had a baby and her career clothes don't fit or whatever... but she was so out of place that this is what I was thinking about before all those lawyers flooded into the Worker's Comp office from across the hall at the Attorney General's.

Mr Barnes (I have no idea how to address him) was a tall black man, about 40, with a nice but powerful demeanor who greeted me very warmly and introduced me to another nice woman attorney who was sitting in for the interview. He spent about 10 minutes explaining what they did in the office, Worker's Compensation claims that needed resolution. The 2 interns they will be hiring are responsible mostly for closing the case's paperwork and getting them prepared to be sent to central filing somewhere, and on occasion they'll be helping the attorney with paperwork that has overloaded thier desks. Although it was long-winded, he had attorney-like eloquence, and I was hanign on every word. Seriously, my friends will tell you, I think briefs (appelate briefs not underwear) are hot. Then he started asking me about my work experience and I was surprised that he seemed to have looked over my resume prior to the meeting. It went well, he asked for my references and I really should have had 2 business ones but I only had one and a statistics proffesor. I made it clear (but not too over the top) that I was very excited about this internship and that it would mean alot to me, because I plan to go on to get my paralegal license and one day maybe law school.

Mr Barnes and the woman told a few office jokes, and the air in that book-shelf lined office was light and promising. After abour 30 minutes, I thanked them both, and Mr Barnes walked me back to the front of this 22nd floor maze, as we made polite banter. I thanked him again, and left on a cloud, even though I knew I would never see that office again. At least I had seen it once, and that wasn't enough. They said they would be interviewing that week only (it was wednesday), and that they hoped the intern would be hired soon, but that the actual Attorney General himself hand-picks the 2 he wants. They said they would let me know either way, and I would rather they didn't. I would rather get no call, than that letter saying thanks but no. I was like a wolf, once they taste blood, they crave it. I saw that downtown office, tasted the power and for one second it was within reach. There's no turning back. I know it exists, and I want it. I've already decided to stay at home for another year and forfeit another awesome year out with a basement apartment. This is my life flying past faster than I care to imagine and I need to just go for it. Find a way into some damn copy room making 10 an hour if I'm lucky, and prove my drive.

I can only be proud of my shifty-sorted family background because I want people to be intimidated by how far I've come, knowing I have done things I was not meant to do, and I'm capable of doing more things that no one will expect I can. Knowing I'm bold enough to have friends who are smarter than me, who have more money than me, or better families. I'm proud that I can sometimes consider myself thier equal, and they are my examples of who I want I be. You are the company you keep, and I keep damn good company...lol. They all know, just like me, that I have no "in" and that it is gonna take alot more crap than I have already gone through to get to any 22nd floor office. But I know they'll be there cheering me on, and I will cheer them on too. I'm lucky to have people near that tell me I'm a badass, and I can do more, be more. I wish I could inspire them the way they inspire me.
Anyway, it is gonna be so great to see who we all are at age 30.

Snowball Fights and the Attorney General

2005-01-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

Well I got some good news a couple days ago... I was invited to interview for an internship at the attorney general's office on wednesday. Too bad I have 2 midterms tuesday, interview wednesday, a project and midterm on thursday. Good god, I'm tired thinking about it. Then yesterday I got a letter saying I'm may be invited to an interview in a different department of the attorney general's as well. So yay me. I'm scared shitless that I'll just say too much and embarass myself.

So I should be studying but I've been nothing but social this weekend. Cara was in town after her interview in Cinncinati, so she, Andy, Bridget, and I went to dinner at california pizza kitchen, then hung out at andy's after. Andy made his big announcement that he's officially decided to go to dental school at OSU. So yay for Columbus cause he's a resident now for another 4-10 years (depending on what degree he decides on). Cara is considering doing a double PHD so that she gets paid to attend classes. and Bridget is 2 years away from her PHD already. And there I am, sitting at a table with 3 future doctors. It was funny because they were all asking if when they were PHDs would they want people to introduce them as Dr. Andy/Cara/Bridget... lol. The 3 of them make me feel like I should do more with my life, like I am capable of doing more... and I believe I am as well. But for now I just want to start working, and know what it's like to have money. I need to get over this loan-repayment hump.

The most comforting thing my mother told me when I was worried about my loans was how she started working for minimum wage of 4,000 dollars a years when she was 18. When she retired at 53 she made 40,000. So my starting at poverty wages of 20,000 will be bad at first, but maybe when I retire I'll be making 200,000 (lol, yeah right)... but in any case my 100,000 student loans, and monthly payments will be something I'll deal with. I just don't like the thought of being so tied down. I relish the thought of being able to one day save up some money, quit my job and backpack around europe for a year. Oh the stories I would have. I would be such an interesting person. But anyway, I plan on being an interesting person even if all I do till I'm 30 is work my ass off, and work up the ladder. Maybe one day I'll even have the balls to go to law school.

The fun part. Yesterday, I had lunch with Cara and Andy before Cara started her trip back to cleveland. (PS the weather here is horrible, I hope she made it home ok). Then I went to dinner with Julie and Cheryl at Panera, and everywhere we drove people had slid into poles and swerved around corners because the road was pure sleet. I don't know what I was doing but Cheryl was laughing at me the whole night, then I would laugh cause she was laughing, even though I didn't know what the joke was. Plus I learned that apparently the way I eat is funny. I have always eaten really slow, but Julie did this impression of me taking a bite. So I guess my bites are like really small, and I like to chew my food thouroughly damnit. Then we saw Hide-n-Seek with Deniro at the Lennox... it was just ok. There was this guy next to me who went to the damn bathroom like 3 tmes, and when he was in his seat he kept caressing his swishy coat. Are swishy coats considered gangsta again? But we had a very fun snowball fight. Julie threw the first ball that might have cracked the back of my head had Cheryl not yelled for me to look out. So I nailed Julie in the back with a well-packed snowball and I called it a "kidney punch". The car only slid once on the way home. And when we got there Cheryl and I had another snowball fight, and she almost kicked her weiner dog's poo at me. Good times.